Awhile ago I was sitting in the doctor’s office, leafing through a months old Time magazine when I stumbled upon an article entitled “Mother’s Liquid Helper. Raising children? Raise a glass!” which you can read in full by clicking on the title.

Essentially, the article, by staff writer Joel Stein, recounts the current trend by wine makers to entice moms with the idea that it’s great to off-set the grind of parenting with a steady stream of chardonnay or pinot grigio.

Must be true if Facebook’s Moms Who Need Wine has over 640,000 subscribers and vintners are marketing brands like “Mommy’s Time Out” and “MommyJuice” and ads run everywhere from the Food Network Magazine to Rachel Ray’s website.

As one executive editor of a wine magazine noted, confirming what we’ve heard from many a wine seller – and client, “you can’t have a problem if you’re drinking good wine” – usually defined as over $20 a bottle and especially at $200 a bottle. Hmmmmmm….

Of course this is all just a replay of the Beatles’ “Mommy’s Little Helper,” the same Valium Jacqueline Suzanne extolled in “Valley of the Dolls.”

Is anyone surprised that we see a steady stream of women in their late 30s through their early 50s whose wine consumption has gotten out of hand?

No, you weren’t and aren’t stupid or diseased or immoral or weak. You just drifted into alcohol abuse because it worked – just like the ads and vintners and sales people promised.

Except now it isn’t working.

Don’t you think it might be time to invest just a bit of time, effort and money in extracting yourself from the problems that listening to the purveyors of “good wines” lured you into?

That’s what we do – and your secret will be safe with us.

Also See Our Articles On:

Smart Women and Alcohol Abuse
Menopause and Alcohol Abuse

Confidentiality

75 years ago Bill W. actually did have one good idea – anonymity. The trouble is, AA participation hasn’t been “anonymous” for over 50 years. Quite the contrary.

If the problem was limited to AA then it would be easy to solve – avoid AA, which anyone with any intelligence and maturity is going to do anyway.

But it isn’t and the confidentiality problem infects every treatment program you can find, inpatient or outpatient, and it’s one of the real reasons why smart capable people justifiably avoid getting help.

Knowing that this is a very real concern, we designed our work with you to avoid all of the components that “out” you regardless of the level of your alcohol abuse.

How?

First, you only need to spend 5 days with us here in southern California. Not 30, 60, or 90 days. Those “absences” alone are enough to rat you out. Seeing us just means “going on vacation.”

Second, we do no groups and have no hourly staff. You will never see another client and there are only the two of us and our consulting physician Dr. Norcross to work with and we’re all bound by HIPPA regulations even if we wanted to talk, which we most assuredly do not.

Third, you keep your own case notes and records so there is nothing to be subpoenaed even if someone suspects you were here and manages to get a court order

Fourth, we have very poor memories and promise not to remember you if anyone asks.

Fifth, we do not accept insurance, so there are no insurance records to betray you (no, insurance records are not confidential). We frequently have clients from the medical insurance industry who are the most insistent on paying by cash or check.

Sixth, we never ever refer you to a group like AA that is not only counter-productive but a serious source of gossip.

Seventh, such minimal records as we do keep are destroyed upon your discharge unless there are reasons you want us to maintain them – like defending yourself in a divorce or other legal proceeding against charges of being an “alcoholic.”

Eighth… but we think you get the point. There are additional safeguards we’d be happy to discuss with you along with any other considerations you’d like addressed.

As always, it’s your call. Literally.

Among the problems you would encounter in any traditional, and most “non traditional,” alcohol treatment programs is the age range of the staff as well as the clients.

If you’re in your late 30s through your 60s, as most of our clients are, you’re probably not going to relate to professional staff, no matter how well trained, who are in their 20s and 30s.

The age and “life experience” gap, the ability to relate, is just as real in counseling as it is in trying to find a trainer at the gym who understand the limits and problems of an older body.

Of course this is all made worse by the fact that most “older” staff at treatment centers are simply ex-clients who are still “in recovery” (see following article), and have no skills or training beyond being AA true believers.

Now all of this works out well from a business perspective. Staff is cheap, 12 Step formats are easy, relapse rates are astronomical, and the treatment mills can recycle you forever. What’s not to like?

Unless you’re the client, of course.

In that case you’ll want staff who have actual training and experience. Staff who, in the immortal words of Mr. Bilbo Baggins, “have been there and back again” and can emphatically assist you with the “back again” part.

That’s what we offer.

Mary Ellen was the family member delegated to find help for her brother and discovered there wasn’t any real help available for anyone with brains, who was also over 30.

(See: Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Sent My Brother Off To Rehab)

I could have used some help with my vodka problem 30 years ago. I found none, and muddled my out of my alcohol abuse. 5 days with us would have saved me the 2 to 3 years that took.

I won’t get those years back, but you can avoid wasting your time and scattershot efforts by signing up for programs that have worse outcomes than muddling.

As always – it’s your choice. What ‘ll you have?

Recovered, not “In Recovery”!

AA and 12 Step alcohol treatment programs push the idea that being “in recovery” is what’s needed to maintain an alcohol free life. Nothing could be further from the truth.

“In recovery” is just cult code for “I’m not giving up my alcohol focused life and you can’t make me!”

It’s the ultimate passive-aggressive FU to everyone, but particularly spouses.

Think about it.

A person “in recovery” is refusing to give up alcohol soaked environments (AA meetings instead of bars), bartenders (now called sponsors), and insists on avoiding intimacy and responsibilities at home because they are “working their program” – which is also code for maintaining the same old, same old, but under a guise that’s harder for a spouse to complain about.

Of course if you point this out, or complain, then you’ve just given the drunk a free pass to go on a binge because you interfered with him or her and “working my program.”

I think you can see how all this is going to play out over the next years or decades.

Nothing is going to change and the drunken spouse is never going to recover, grow up, learn to be assertive, or do any of the other things that eliminate alcohol abuse AND enhance life.

So! If you want to passively evade and avoid responsibility, be our guest and hurry off to AA – or Alanon – and all of the cover you will ever need to hide out from getting a life.

The Bucket of Crabs, or Why AA and Alanon are Bad For Your Health,

Or you can come and see us and get a grip and a life.

Always the better choice for real adults, don’t you think?

A very common characteristic our clients share is a lack of assertiveness in their personal relationships.

Attorneys, surgeons, diplomats, professional athletes, business owners, physicians, artists and a host of other successful professionals – successful because they are assertive and, when needed, aggressive in the work -  turn into passive wimps the moment they go home.

No, we’re not just talking about women here. Men are just as apt to wimp out when it comes to dealing with aggressive, controlling, “saintly” spouses.

Up until now the “solution” has been to drink. Alcohol creates a protective bubble insulating you from an abusive spouse. It’s also a great passive-aggressive “FU” aimed at a controlling spouse – “control this you miserable B——-!” It may even make an otherwise untenable marriage bearable.

Yes, with a majority of our clients the underlying cause – the problem that alcohol abuse is symptomatic of – is a major power imbalance in significant relationships.

So what happens when clients recognize this “dance” and they begin to grow from passive to assertive?

In many cases spouses will begin to either actively or passively begin sabotaging the treatment – EVEN when they are the ones demanding that you quit drinking!

Faced with the possibility of losing power, losing sainthood, and having their own problems surface, many spouses will decide that they liked the old drinking spouse a lot better than the new more assertive one.

But this isn’t a universal response. Many, many spouses recognize the benefits they have been getting from your drinking once those benefits are pointed out. Most recognize that they too are going to have to change.

And that’s why we prefer to work with couples so that all of this can be managed openly and honestly and through the weeks of follow-up when real change occurs. Change that is a product of mutual good will and good humor.

That’s how the two of you create a new and better dance that includes neither alcohol or passivity, nor passive aggression or aggression. Just two people managing a mutually assertive and intimate and satisfactory relationship.

Sound better than the same old, same old?

Real Assessment, Please!

We were looking through the most recent edition of a national magazine for alcohol and drug abuse counselors today. Various articles reported a lot of the usual 12 Step propaganda and mythology and proffered the usual completely unsupported results of AA based treatment and various other current industry scams.

That’s all bad enough, but the one issue that the “treatment industry” will never address is their financially necessary refusal to differentiate between alcohol abuse and alcohol dependence.

We’ve written about this before, of course, particularly in our popular Alcohol Abuse, Alcoholism, and 12 Step Programs That Can’t Tell the Difference, but it’s a problem for you that can’t be overstated.

Roughly 85% of the people seeking help with alcohol problems are abusing alcohol – not alcohol dependent “alcoholics” – yet 99% of treatment programs label everyone as alcohol dependent. Unless of course, you point out, accurately, that you aren’t, in which case they label you as “in denial” and now you need even more of their “treatment.”

We do a lot of real assessment, we work with you on what your actual needs are, we help you deal with whatever you’re self-medicating, and we do it all using the methods that research has determined fit into Ending Alcohol Abuse: What Works.

And we never ever send you off to AA which actually results in most people drinking more, not less!

Yes, we suggest you take advantage of the same process that works when you are suffering from a real disease: early intervention, careful diagnosis, individualized treatment, self-management, and all of the other approaches that preserve your dignity, and ability to make choices in your own self-interest.

Do not allow yourself to be demeaned, labeled, disrespected, misdiagnosed, exploited and abused by programs that don’t care about you, your actual condition, and the personal power and resources you bring with you.

You can leave alcohol abuse, or dependence, behind and you don’t have to make it a life long process.

RECOVERED  – Not “in recovery!”

A couple of times a month we have families come to our offices with their alcohol abusing loved one to find out about our program.  Usually the alcohol abusing family member found us online and is interested in participating in our 5-day intensive outpatient program.

Frequently, at least one family member is angry about that because they “know” that only a 30 day residential program will work and they feel that a 5-day program is somehow weaseling out of doing something.

Also, though they won’t admit it, there is usually a punishment component in there. The family is tired, hurt and angry and they want to punish the offending person, at least a little bit. Sending somebody away to an institution is a bit punishing, especially when the alcohol abuser really doesn’t want to go.

They also want to put that person somewhere so they can stop worrying about them constantly. Their reasons are totally understandable. I have been that tired, hurt and angry family member and I do “get it.”

(But, please see: Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Sent My Brother Off To Rehab)
However, what actually helps an alcohol abuser get better has nothing to do with punishment or family members sleeping better at night.

The research suggests that outpatient programs work better than residential programs because people have to work through their problems in their real, day-to-day lives, with supportive help from real professionals.

Forcing people to take weird 30 day vacations from reality, where they are treated like errant children, doesn’t help very many people address the problems they face at home or work.

The other thing angry family members never consider is that their alcohol abusing loved one is going to be resentful and angry at them for forcing them into a program they didn’t want to go to, a program with a success rate of less than 5%. That is a recipe for disaster and failure.

What does work?

Individual counseling, outpatient counseling, naltrexone for cravings, follow-up, and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).  In high-end residential treatment people get, on average, 1 hour a week of individual counseling by a poorly trained para-professional. In slightly less expensive programs, people frequently get no individual counseling.

Our 5-Day Intensive outpatient provides clients with 15-20 hours of individual counseling, deleivered by both of us – no trainees, no interns, no former clients – in those first 5 days, and real follow-up for 12 weeks or more.

We also use CBT, and the anti-craving medication naltrexone, and all of the other components described in  Ending Alcohol Abuse: What Works . And it works very well.  We really do have one of the highest success rates of any treatment program.

See more details in: “How Can You Possibly Cure My Years of Alcohol Abuse in Just 5 Days?”

Your choice? Punishment or treatment?

The Tipping Point

Many of you have been readers for years before becoming clients. We’ve asked you what caused you to move from being a reader to being a client and successfully putting your alcohol problems behind you.

The answers vary, but only a bit.

For some of you it was a single event: a DUI; a physician’s report; a family member’s (or members’) ultimatum; an employer’s threat.

But for others it was a variation on the same theme – “I got sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

A lot of us have left old habits behind, especially in our 40s and 50s, when the drinking or smoking or overeating just wasn’t working for us anymore. We could see that life might be better, or at least longer, without being dragged down by our own self-destructive behaviors.

And for those of you who have been teetering on that see-saw of whether or not to actually address and fix the problem, we have a suggestion. Why not fix it first and then decide?

We’ve had a lot of people come through our doors who’ve decided to make an informed decision. They will make the effort, try out life without the alcohol for 6 months or a year.

That’s not just quitting for a spell, as many of you have done, often more than once. Really, the solution lies in what you add when you quit drinking, that where we come in, and then deciding whether or not you prefer drowning in alcohol to a living a life.

To date, out of all of the hundreds of clients we’ve worked with over the past decade, only two have opted for a return to alcohol as the central focus of their lives.

If that’s a fair enough proposition, and those are good enough odds, why don’t you see whether or not you might like a real life better than being a drunk?

It starts with a phone call and the 5 Days and 12 Weeks explained in

Our Expanded Program Description

Your Life, Your Choice, Your Solution, Your Call!

The process of successfully changing an unwanted behavior is easy to describe and hard to accomplish. In that regard, stopping drinking is like losing weight.

With weight loss you can join the best gym, hire the finest trainer, read all of the diet books, and go away to the “health spa” for 30, 60, or 90 days. You can even watch all the TV shows. Just like with drinking.

But guess what? You’re the one who, eventually, in order to succeed, has to modify you diet and activities. You’re the one who’s day-to-day life has to change.

Yes, the trainer can help you learn the tools, and the dietitian can help you with calories, and friends and family members can be supportive (or not), but you will have to do the work of staying motivated and making lasting changes that you are comfortable with and happy about.

That last part – “comfortable with and happy about” – is the important part.

Whether it’s drinking or weight loss, we have to be happier with the results than we are with the what we currently doing -medicating with food or alcohol or both – or we’re going to go right back to our usual behaviors and their benefits.

That’s why most treatment programs fail – their “fix” is worse than the condition they are supposedly helping you correct.

On the other hand, we’re dedicated to helping you live a better life, an expanded life, not a demeaned and diminished one.

Personal motivation, now and into the future, is what supports successful change. Let us help you find and maintain yours.

Kicking the 12 Step Habit

Over the past couple of years we have begun working with a new type of client – those people who have decided that they want to give up AA and the 12 Steps and are looking for both reassurance and de-programing.

It’s really quite common for people to use AA as an interim “step”. Alcohol is, after all, not just a depressant but also a regressant. That means that it not only causes you to feel bad, it actually reduces your emotional and psychological age.

Yes, when you wandered into AA you may have regressed to the point where you fit the model – something AA based treatment programs attempt to cause you to do as well.

But then you quit drinking and just like the depression began to lift, so did your functional age.

And, guess what?

After about six months, or six years, you realized you’d outgrown AA.

But you’d also absorbed all of the mythology and it can be tough to get rid of.

So now that it’s time to leave AA behind, let us help you leave all of the trappings, doubts, and fears behind too.

Some people criticize us and/or unsubscribe to this newsletter because they object to us putting 12 step programs and AA down and tell us we should just stand on our own merits instead.  We agree.

However, there really are 2 messages we are sending most weeks. One is that AA works for only a tiny minority of the people who try it and shouldn’t be crammed down everybody’s throat as the “only way,” nor should it be sold as treatment when it is available for free at a church near you.

The other message is that our treatment program is research based and works for a far higher percentage (65+% vs 5%, or less) of people than 12 Step programs do, and consists of what the U.S. Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) research has found to constitute real and effective treatment. (see: Ending Alcohol Abuse: What Works)

We do frequently mix the two messages in our articles and that can cause confusion. But we do feel that people need to be frequently reminded of the very real damage AA and 12 Step programs do in their zeal to convert everybody to their “religion”. (see: The Bucket of Crabs, or Why AA and Alanon are Bad For Your Health)

The actual facts about AA?

• Most people who join AA drink more after joining than they did before;
• Of all of the dozens of ways to end a drinking problem, including doing nothing, AA is among the least effective;
• More people preserve their sobriety by out-growing AA than by staying;
• 13th Stepping, the sexual, emotional, and financial exploitation of newcomers is alive and well and still defended by AA’s hierarchy (and women in AA make up their share of the offenders as well as the victims);
• Selling AA as treatment is simply a con game – always has been, always will be (see: Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Sent My Brother Off To Rehab).

So if you want actual help, and aren’t just trying to placate a spouse, judge, employer, or anyone else… why not elect what actually works?

So who does AA work for?

Thirty years ago a colleague and I working at a well known Minnesota rehab program thought we could use Dr. Jane Loevinger’s Sentence Completion Test, a measure of maturity, to predict who would do well in AA. We were right.

Twenty years ago I reconfirmed that during my graduate work at St. Mary’s University of MN and Mary Ellen and I have been showing it again and again over the past ten years.

Who does AA help? Primarily “men” who are emotionally arrested at about the age of 11 or 12. – those whose “locus of control” is their peer group, and who respond to trinkets, badges, slogans, and the other trappings of pre-adolescent boyhood, including hating girls.

It also “works” for the predators who prey on the flock, the 13th Steppers, who, as noted above, are no longer only men..

Finally, it also works for a few hyper-conscientious individuals who attempt to guard the sheep from the wolves, though their numbers are woefully inadequate for the task.

Frankly, readers of our Newsletters don’t fit with this model of “powerless diseases” and immaturity – the “Peter Pan Society,” as my Uncles referred to AA way back in the 1950s. It’s a great place to hide out and avoid growing up, but a terrible place for adults.

It’s also another great passive-aggressive weapon to use against spouses. Another surprising topic we’ll take up next week.

But in the meantime – if you want to leave an alcohol focused non-life behind, we’re here to help you figure out how.

We expected that the negative reaction from the AA/12 Step dominated “industry” would be worse than it has been, at least so far.

Happily, much of the media response to date has been positive, including comments from New York Times Personal Health columnist Jane Brody, who noted the failure “to use proven methods to deal with the factors that underlie addiction and set off relapse” and that traditional programs “are rooted in outdated methods rather than newer approaches shown in scientific studies to be more effective in helping people achieve and maintain addiction-free lives.”

Senior writer Laura Miller for Salon.com notes, “Over and over again, Fletcher’s interview subjects told her that flexible, one-on-one counseling, rather than one-size-fits-all group treatments, was what saved their lives.” Which isn’t news to us, our clients, or readers, but certainly is to the world at large.

Of course programs having a vested interest in the failed 12 Step approach can’t be expected to be happy about having their “Emperor’s New Clothes” tactics exposed. Obviously their 50+ year history of failure needs the spotlight turned on and the Approaches That Actually Do Work deserve to be publicized.

For our part, we repeatedly hear how our work with individuals only – no groups ever! -  and the inclusion of spouses (always at the client’s discretion) has resulted in much better outcomes, far less Sabotage, and greatly enhanced lives and relationships.

If you want to end the isolation, boredom, anxiety, depression, and other conditions that alcohol abuse is a SYMPTOM of, then give us a call. We can discuss real solutions, delivered confidentially, affordably, and with the respect you deserve for seeking effective, affordable, and confidential assistance.

Remember, we don’t plaster you with labels, limitations, and demands that you join a life-long – and life destroying – cult that doesn’t even work over 95% of the time.

Luxury Rehab?

High end programs all sell you on the idea that you can overcome your alcohol problems by spending 30, 60, or 90 days – or more – in their luxurious setting and with no effort or discomfort on your part.

What do you think the chances of that are?

Not that we aren’t happy to help you enjoy whatever level of accommodations your circumstances and preferences allow – another advantage to working with us in your own personally designed program.

Want luxury? Terranea Resort is just around the Palos Verdes Peninsula from our offices.

Want clean, comfortable, accommodations? The Redondo Beach Best Western is just ten minutes from us and 2 blocks from the beach.

Something in between? Try the Portofino which is picturesquely located at the local yacht harbor.

Of course there’s also the usual selection of Marriotts and Double Trees, all within the same fifteen minute radius of our offices here in Rolling Hills Estates.

The point of all of this?

You can enjoy whatever level of amenities you want, spend your afternoons walking, biking, golfing, loafing, or sight-seeing, and also receive the best “all substance, no filler” treatment in the country.

Yes, that’s right – and you’ll also be treated like the adult you are, not some errant child, and accorded the respect you deserve for seeking real help with a troubling problem.

“Luxury Rehab?”It’s available here – at one fifth the price and a lot more choices – but also real nuts and bolts help at reasonable prices, and with outcomes the others can’t even imagine.

Your time. Your money. Your results. Your choice.

And it’s also your call – literally and figuratively.

About two thirds of our clients are women and one third men. That means that over the years we have worked with over 200 women and 100 men and we have noticed differences that are generally applicable.

Examples?

Women tend to want to talk about the problem rather than actually doing something about it.

Men tend to want to do something and do things that make absolutely no sense.

If you look at the “Stages of Change” model, women often get stuck in the Planning Stage – contemplation hell in our lexicon -while men move to the Action Stage without adequate planning – the chicken with its head cut off model.

Obviously either of you could use a bit of help which is why our work takes different approaches depending on your specific tendencies – regardless of gender – and why we can also work with couples to make these differences complementary instead of being a source of sabotage.

That said, we suggest that you women indulge your planning bug with our Women’s Program description (not that you haven’t – but once more with the perspective that this time you’ll actually move to the Action Stage, at least as far as calling…geez!)

And you men could actually slow down long enough to really read about the Men’s Program and then do the Action Stage item that makes sense and call as well. (Geez to you guys, too!)

No! You couples aren’t off the hook either…and you have less excuse – one of you has done the research and one’s ready to do something so let’s get off the dime and make the call – which doesn’t even cost a dime. If you still need more mulling, then go through the Couple’s Program one more time.

Yes, Ms. you do need to DO something, and, no, Mr., you obviously can’t do it all by yourself.

Just Can’t Seem to Find 5 Days?

We created our 5 Day format for a number of reasons including allowing you to receive the maximum benefit without having to disappear for 30 or more days and automatically rat yourself out.

Besides, who actually has a month or more to leave careers, family, practices, and/or other responsibilities behind?
Of course there’s the problems with equating 30 days, or 60, or 90, with “success.” Guess what – there isn’t any correlation between time spent and good outcomes, at least not for those of you who qualify to work with us.

But you still can’t find the time?

Suppose you broke your leg, had a heart attack, ruptured your appendix, or …. Believe us, you’d find the time.

What’s the difference? The foregoing are all conditions we’d actually want to fix! No doubt about it.

But our drinking? Well that’s a different story. One day we want to fix it, the next we don’t and we teeter back and forth and never actually do anything so the status quo continues until some tipping point occurs – a spouse actually leaves; a second DUI; a set of bad lab results from our doctor; a threatened job loss, and so on.

But it really isn’t necessary to wait for disaster to strike.

Most of us know ourselves well enough to manipulate ourselves into doing what’s actually in our own long term self-interest.

The key words here are “long term.” Currently you’re operating on “short term feel good” even if that term is a little as a few hours. We’re people, it’s what we do. Until we decide otherwise.

We do have clients who actually schedule their work with us months in advance to manage themselves into doing what they know is the right thing for them. Just as we have clients who recognize the looming storm and call to schedule tomorrow.

Either way is okay with us, and, yes, you really can find the 5 days. But you knew that already, didn’t you?

A major factor in your success can be having a supportive spouse – but, strange as it seems given the amount of complaining they’ve done about your drinking, many spouses find themselves sabotaging your efforts instead.

What’s going on here?

One of the exercises we ask clients to undertake is the creation of a “cost/benefit analysis” of drinking vs. not drinking. In reality, we all know the costs of drinking and the benefits of quitting, so we ask that you focus on the benefits of drinking.

After all, if there were no benefits, you wouldn’t be drinking, and the costs of quitting are replacing those benefits.

That exercise provides some useful information when it comes to developing alternatives to drinking. But we also take the process one step further and ask what benefits your spouse or significant other is getting from your drinking.

“None!” spouses adamantly say. But that’s not actually true – if it were, they would have left long ago, just as you would have given up the drinking if it didn’t serve you in some important way(s).

Examples?

Your spouse gets to look like a saint. She or he also holds all of the power because you’re a drunk who doesn’t get a vote in family decisions. The non-problem drinker also also uses you as cover for whatever problems they may actually have.

Frankly, the list of benefits your partner gets from your drinking may well exceed the benefits you’re deriving from the bottle.

The result? When you quit drinking you both lose benefits and many spouses find themselves in the awkward position of trying to shove you back into the bottle in order to keep the benefits they’d never noticed they’d been enjoying.

Usually, with some degree of good will, good humor, and honest effort, this can all play out happily – and it’s a big part of why we prefer to work with couples, at least part of the time.

It’s also why most programs reject spouses’ participation -  just one more way to help insure that you fail and have to come back again and again and again…..

But if you’re ready to actually fix it and have a better relationship than you have ever had, then we’re ready and able to work with you. Let’s all work at coming up with a new analysis: the benefits of an unimpaired partnership.

Read more about our work with Couples.

Passive Aggression – and Other Benefits of Drinking

As we mentioned above, we like to look at all of the benefits you get from excessive drinking. We’ll help you out by noting the most common factor we see on most lists.

Alcohol abuse is the #1 passive aggressive weapon of choice that drinkers use against controlling spouses!

Have a demanding spouse whose complaints are unending and whose expectations are impossible to meet?

“Well, I’ll show you! Try and control this (drinking)!”

Not only that, alcohol helps you build a protective bubble that insulates you from the criticism and/or reality of a verbally, emotionally, or physically abusive spouse. What’s not to like about that?

The alternative?

Over the years we have learned that one of the most effective parts of our work with you is the assertiveness training portion. Becoming more assertive means no longer needing to be passive aggressive, which reduces the need to drink and the number of excuses your spouse has to make your life miserable.

Once again, a downward spiral: drinking, controlling reaction, passive aggressive reaction, angry reaction, etc., becomes an ascending spiral. Or, assertive behavior, less futile controlling, less passive aggression, less anger, more intimacy, less depression, more sex?

Yes, the patterns vary – but the results are the same, a better life all the way around. And that is the point, isn’t it? A call could be the first step. A real “Step”.

We hear variations on the universal theme all the time, of course. The AA twist on this is that, if you have a problem with alcohol, then you are either “an admittedly powerless alcoholic or you are (a liar) in denial!”

This bit of nonsense suits the 12 step treatment industry since it absolves them from any responsibility for determining exactly where someone falls on the “alcohol abuse/alcohol dependent” spectrum.

Treatment programs do not provide a safe environment in which people can be honest, and then they say, “See! You’re lying!” Imagine that.

Frankly, when it comes to being “in denial” most rehab programs suffer from it far more than their clients do.

Exactly what do they deny?

They deny that what they do is effective – it isn’t; they deny that they want you to fail – they do; they deny that they are selling “the king’s new clothes” – they are; and so on.

Frankly, few of our clients have ever lied to themselves about their drinking. Virtually none lie to us, though they may to spouses, family members, employers, and judges because, after all, telling the truth may get them in far more trouble than telling lies, especially if they get away with the lies.

Why don’t they lie to us? Because we don’t punish them. We’re safe.

Want to hear lies? Call any of the well known treatment programs, or click on and read Mary Ellen’s popular article:

Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Sent My Brother Off To Rehab.

Want to hear more lies? Go to any AA meeting and listen to the old drunks competing with each other as to who can fabricate the worst war stories.

Want to have a real solution? Then read

Ending Alcohol Abuse: What Works

and/or

Our Expanded Program Description

Not all of our clients are older, or women, or … One, a young man of who spent his time with us two years ago, recently wrote:

“…Also, my relationships have all improved, and as a result, I’ll be getting married in 2 weeks to C…, my long-time, on-again, off-again girlfriend that I spoke to you about. We were engaged in March of last year.

I’m constantly reminding myself that balance is of paramount priority, and have been doing pretty well with it. Of course, I’ve had a few slips here and there, but they’re fewer and farther between as time has progressed.

I’m no longer a night owl–I’m up at 5am each day, begin with a workout, and am usually in bed by 9:30pm; and I feel great. Weekends are no longer one long party, instead I look forward to the things that I can do spending time with fiance, family, dog–anything I can do to enjoy the outdoors.

The time spent with you was extremely therapeutic, and life-changing for me–one of the best things I ever decided to do.” ~R.

Notice the emphasis – not on negatives. A slip is just a slip, nothing to be concerned about any more than gaining a pound is after a 40 lb weight loss. No counting days of not drinking, but instead celebrating positives and success!

How different is that from the 12 Step fixation on failure?

No labels, no meetings, no diseases, no losers. A real life.

It’s yours for the choosing, too.