http://www.non12step.com/

Alcohol Abuse, Alcoholism, and 12 Step Programs That Can’t Tell the Difference

April 29, 2012 Newsletter

Sun, 29 Apr 2012 13:41:18 +0000

“If the only tool you have is a hammer, then every problem looks like a nail.”

That is the fundamental problem with treatment in the U.S. and Canada. If the only tool you have is AA and the 12 Steps then everyone has to be either a “powerless alcoholic” or “in denial.”

On the other hand, if you actually have all of the effective and available tools, then clients can be accurately assessed and treated.

What an idea!

But that’s where the “industry” bugaboos show up:

treatment center owners don’t want to spend money on skilled staff;
they don’t really want clients to succeed;
they don’t really believe clients can succeed.

We, on the other hand, working with a small number of motivated clients, have every reason to help you succeed – we’re not, after all, in the revolving door, client recycling business. And we do have the full range of “tools” — CBT, Naltrexone, assertiveness training, diet and exercise recommendations, social and recreational suggestions, couples counseling, and a number of other ways to help you become an ex-drinker, NOT a “recovering alcoholic” who will be “relapsing” forever.

It’s still your choice of course — work with us and put the problems behind you, or pay “them” and acquire the excuses you can use to keep on drinking.

Either way, it really is your choice.

What’s your choice?

“The thoughts we choose to think are the tools we use to paint the canvas of our lives.” — Louise Hay

“A moment of choice is a moment of truth. It’s the testing point of our character and competence.” — Stephen Covey

Our lives, for the most part, are a matter of making choices and we do it thousands of times a day, mostly automatically. That’s fine, up to a point.

But then come those few critical choices we make that do matter. One of them is whether or not to pull the cork, order the drink, or pop the top on that can. Or whether to do something else instead.

The trouble is we can’t figure out what to do instead, or how to trade instantaneous relief for deferred compensation. That takes acquiring a bit of perspective.

Your life is the accumulated effects of the choices you have made. You can’t un-make the ones you’ve made, but you can make different ones at any time.

Different choices, different results.

That’s an easy idea to accept.

Trouble is, we know where the usual choices lead and we don’t know where different choices will end up. And most of us like predictability more than we like ambiguous possibility.

We stay stuck in “the security of familiar miseries.”

We remain in abusive relationships. Stay in dead-end jobs. Live in crumbling communities. Put up with nuts families nd friends.

And wonder why we drink too damn much.

Bored, lonely, anxious, depressed, and in pain, still we resist making the choice to change.

But really, now, exactly what is it that you value that you are apt to lose by changing?

We can help you sort out the answers and come up with better cost/benefit choices for your life, but you will have to choose to call.

Additional Information For You:

“How I Stopped Drowning In Drink” by Paul Carr as it recently appeared in the Wall Street Journal.

“How Can You Possibly Cure My Years of Alcohol Abuse in Just 5 Days?”

The Bucket of Crabs, or Why AA and Alanon are Bad For Your Health,

April 22, 2012 Newsletter

Sun, 22 Apr 2012 11:33:32 +0000

Ambivalence – the Real Enemy

When it comes down to fixing our alcohol abuse, or any other destructive behavior, the problem isn’t mythological “powerlessness” — it’s ambivalence.

Really, we only sorta want to fix any of the things that we could be taking care of.

Perhaps even more accurately, we just want the bad parts of our behavior to go away without us having to actually invest any effort in making that happen.

For a fast confirmation, just glance through the websites of a dozen treatment programs. They will all tell you how easy it will be. You will be “cured” in luxurious comfort by the magic of the palms, the vortex, the ocean breeze, or a helicopter ride up the mountain to meet your higher power.

Yes, it’s the magic.

Forget it.

All of these programs have one thing in common, they will fail you 95% of the time, and even when they seem to work, it’ll be because you decided to fix the problem yourself.

There is no magic, and it isn’t rocket science.

Fixing personal behavior problems is a matter of acquiring some new skills and combining and using them in ways that work for you.

That’s what we do. Provide new skills like CBT, assertiveness training, exercise and diet information, scheduling possibilities, and motivation in ways designed around your strengths, interests, abilities, and needs.

Then we coach, encourage, and tinker along with you for as long as it takes to create a new “normal” which doesn’t include alcohol abuse.

Yes, you can waste $30,000 – $200,000 on comfortable, luxurious magic that just leaves you poorer and more discouraged than ever, or you can spend $8,750 on short term help that actually works.

Just take a few minutes to read through Our Expanded Program Description then give us a call and let’s get started on the fascinating research into what makes you tick, and how to balance, strengthen, and improve that.

“Hi, my name is Ed, and I’m an alcoholic.”

Unless I want to either continue drinking, or increase my drinking, I can’t think of a worse way to label myself. And there is no better way to become an alcoholic than to start with cultivating that label as the foundation of my self-image.

The vast majority of people with alcohol problems are abusing alcohol, not dependent on it. Fixing the problem means practicing alternatives to drinking and addressing underlying problems like anxiety, loneliness, depression, hormone changes (yes, men and women both), and so on.

It also helps to work on rebuilding a self-image that doesn’t include drinking – exactly the opposite of creating one where the only important component is “alcoholic.”

How good do you expect you’re going to feel if you spend all of your time saying to yourself, “I’m a loser, I’m a loser, I’m a loser,” about fifty times a week?

That’s like being a gymnast who spends all of her time saying, “I’m going to fall, I’m going to fall, I’m going to fall.”

How do suppose that’s going to work out?

Ending your alcohol problem means eradicating drinking from your self image and replacing drinking behaviors with other behaviors that relieve whatever conditions you’re self-medicating with alcohol.

Depressed? Stop depressing yourself further by consuming a depressant and start becoming physically active in ways you like (I lift weights three times a week, which works for me – what might work for you?).

Loneliness, boredom, anxiety, and other things that ail us also respond to behavioral changes in ways that are life enhancing. Medicating those same ailments with alcohol, in the long run, tends to be life killing.

Reference Links:

Our Take On “50 Shades of Grey”

“How I Stopped Drowning In Drink” by Paul Carr as it recently appeared in the Wall Street Journal.

Alcohol Abuse, Alcoholism, and 12 Step Programs That Can’t Tell the Difference;

“How Can You Possibly Cure My Years of Alcohol Abuse in Just 5 Days?”

Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Sent My Brother Off To Rehab;

The Bucket of Crabs, or Why AA and Alanon Are Bad For Your Health

April 15, 2012 Newsletter

Mon, 16 Apr 2012 17:55:24 +0000

For Men

Sometimes I think I write a bit more about women’s topics than I do about men’s and the some of the issues around drinking are different.

For example, women tend to to be more solitary drinkers while men tend to be more out and about drinkers. Women drive less while drunk (though that’s mainly because they get men to drive for them more often than vice versa).

But when it comes to giving up the alcohol abuse, the process is different:

women need to quit talking about the problem and actually do something;
men need to quit running around doing stuff that makes no damn sense and sit down long enough to talk through what does!

So! During the five day portion of your work with us we’re spending the time helping women come up with a short list of what to do instead of drink.

And we’re helping men pare down the list of activities they’re pursuing to the few that make sense.

The activities themselves may not be much different.

Exercise for depression;
Diet for blood sugar management;
Assertiveness training for managing personal relationships;
CBT for mood management;
Social and recreational activities that aren’t just excuses to drink;

The list could go on, but we think you get the points:

WOMEN! — stop talking and start doing;

MEN! — stop doing, start talking, then go back to doing.

It can be surprising how much it helps to pay attention to what you’re actually doing and adjusting that to make drinking unnecessary and undesirable. But that’s how you actually fix the problem.

So, you men reading this, do something that makes sense:

Call!

(Probably wouldn’t hurt you woman to do that too.)

Sex!

It probably comes as no surprise that sex is a frequent undiscussed, elephant in the living room, topic among couples with alcohol abuse problems.

But as we have noted in the past, it’s not always about stereotypical gender issues, i.e., it isn’t all about men wanting more and women wanting less, or affection vs sex, or intimacy vs isolation.

A lot of the time it’s about definitions. Women tell Mary Ellen that “we’re rarely having sex, only about three times a week,” while men complain to me that “she always wanting sex, sometimes even three times a week!”

Yes, we hear the exact same complaints with the genders reversed, too.

Mostly, though, what we hear is that there isn’t any sex life at all. That alcohol has become the intimate partner of choice; or resulted in “equipment failure” in both women and men; that alcohol and sex have both become passive aggressive weapons spouses use against each other; that…..

Solutions?

Cut out the alcohol, schedule the sex, negotiate.

Recognize that different people have different wants and needs, that these are not gender related, and stop ruining fun — and a great reward for giving up drinking — by using sex as a weapon.

There will always be differences. People who think once a week is “too much” and those who think once a day “isn’t enough” but instead of fighting over who’s “right” or what’s “normal” you might want to invest in some personal research.

Yes, it’s one of the many topics we’ll help you sort out. Another reason to call, isn’t it?

Reference Links:

Alcohol Abuse, Alcoholism, and 12 Step Programs That Can’t Tell the Difference;

“How Can You Possibly Cure My Years of Alcohol Abuse in Just 5 Days?”

Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Sent My Brother Off To Rehab;

April 8, 2012 Newsletter

Mon, 09 Apr 2012 18:47:39 +0000

“Fifty Shades of Grey”?

Everyone else seems to be writing about this women’s erotic e-book so why shouldn’t we?

Most of our clients are between 40 and 65, and two thirds are women, so sex is a frequent topic for consideration. Given that our clients are also very successful professionals who try to balance a dozen plates at once, it’s not shocking that the “let go and let him” theme of “Grey” appeals.

The traditional “women’s submission” and “men’s dominence” roles also come up in other aspects of the relationship problems that lead our clients to drink — sometimes in surprising areas.

One of these is in the matter of money. We are seeing an increasing number of couples, married or not, where the women out earn the men. Given the educational and professional achievements of women over the past two decades that isn’t surprising.

What is surprising is that it’s the women who have the most trouble with it. They, more than the men, have trouble being with a partner who earns less, even when “less” is still five or ten times the national average.

Roles are complicated, as are our unconscious expectations, the influence of our culture, peers, and media. It’s tough to sort out what we want and need from the “political correctness” of the times.

And that includes our alcohol use and abuse. That’s why we help you to sort out what really matters to you and how to adjust your self-image, and consequent behaviors, to a healthier, happier edition.

Oh! If you want to read about “Fifty Shades…” you can click on Maureen Dowd’s column “Fit To Be Tied“…

Then give us a call and let’s get started sorting your life as you want it to be.

Mr. Paul Carr’s Wall Street Journal article “How I Stopped Drowning In Drink“ engendered a lot of negative comments from the “powerless alcoholic” fringe.

It would seem reasonable to wonder why anyone would care about what route anyone took to stop abusing alcohol, or quit smoking, or losing weight, or any of a number of other things we might choose to do to improve our health and lives.

But zealots aren’t reasonable. “True Believers” are threatened by anything that diveates from their “AA is the only way” mantra even when 75 years of real research shows that it’s not only NOT THE ONLY WAY – it’s not even in the top 20 (see: Ending Alcohol Abuse: What Works).

Understanding this response to anyone’s deviation from “The Way” theme of their lives requires that we reflect back to Middle School and the nearly overwhelming need of most students to conform at all costs. Those who remain stuck at that level of social and emotional development are the ones who find “different” to be intolerable in their narrow little worlds.

It’s also why they find it impossible to leave alcohol behind as the central theme of their lives, impossible to have actual intimate relationships, and impossible to live normally with “nornies”.

Happily you don’t fit into that pathetic group, nor do you want to. You want to call.

Links:

Menopause and Alcohol Abuse

“How Can You Possibly Cure My Years of Alcohol Abuse in Just 5 Days?”

Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Sent My Brother Off To Rehab

April 1, 2012 Newsletter

Mon, 02 Apr 2012 16:58:02 +0000

The Benefits of Drinking.
Is This An April Fools Day Joke?

No, We’re Serious.

One of the first things we ask clients to do is to make a cost/benefit anaylsis of their drinking. But we suggest that they skip the “costs of drinking” and the “benefits of stopping”– since these are generally obvious to everyone –and focus on the “benefits of drinking” and the “costs of quitting.”

After all, it’s the benefits that you’re going to have to replace and the quick alcohol fix is going to be the primary cost of quitting.

So what are the benefits?

For most of us these include escape and passive aggression.

That’s right. Escape. Escape from anxiety, inhibitions, spouses, children and other assorted relatives, boredom, loneliness, and intolerable lives.

All of those things we’re too lazy, or too scared, to fix.

Passive aggression towards dominating spouses and families usually also appears on the benefit list. That’s right, it’s a big “screw you” towards the demanding spouse or parent when we don’t have the nerve to stand up for ourselves.

Alcohol’s benefits are always obvious and delivered instantly, effortlessly, effectively, cheaply, legally, and passively.

The costs of quitting require you to engage assertively in solutions that require effort and a willingness to delay gratification.

That’s too big a cost for many people who’d rather be miserable than assume responsibility for themselves and their lives and happiness.

Pick your preferred “A” — Alcohol or Assertiveness — and accept responsibility for the consequences.

You’re not powerless, you don’t have a disease, and genetices aren’t destiny. Nor is there any magic or higher power to rescue you effortlessly.

But there is help, help in planning your escape from alcohol and/or an intolerable, unhappy life, help in learning to live, not hide.

“A Thousand Regrets That Don’t Add Up To A Single Decent Remorse.” – E. Wilson, 1984

I coined that phrase nearly 30 years ago to describe what I didn’t want to find at the end of my life; that I had accumulated a 1000 regrets about what I hadn’t done, all of which didn’t equal the remorse over even one mistake I had made.

That’s right. It’s a lot easier to live, and die, after living our lives doing things, not after avoiding doing things.

As Kris Kristofferson noted in a parallal lyric, “I rather be sorry for something I done, than for something I didn’t do…”

Alcohol abuse is all about collecting regrets and being sorry for what we never got around to doing.

Procrastination in a bottle is what we actually stock our wine cellars, liquor cabinets, and beer coolers with.

The top five regrets of those close to death?

“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me;
I wish I hadn’t worked so hard;
I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings;
I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends;
I wish that I had let myself be happier.”*

What are the top regrets you don’t want to have when it’s your turn?

Now’s the time to get them off your list, don’t you think?

We can help you with that…

March 25, 2012 Newsletter

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 13:33:36 +0000

“How I Stopped Drowning In Drink” by Paul Carr recently appeared in the Wall Street Journal. You can click on the link to read the full article, but basically he makes, in his words, three points:

“The real secret to getting sober, and to repairing all the broken aspects of your life, is to take the time (probably through trial and error) to figure out the causes of your addiction and the aspects of your character that can be pressed into service in curing them.

“To do that, you’ll have to figure out your own list of things you enjoy about drinking (for me: adventures, reckless spending, dating, etc.) and how you can keep those things alive through sobriety.

“Then you need to figure out what part of your personality will drive you to stay sober (for me: ego).”

Yes, you may be able to do that on your own. He did. I did. So have many others. But do you want to waste the years of trial and error it may take?

Do you want to risk letting the problem get worse before it gets better?

Do you want to go public, as he did, or do you want to fix this privately?

Do you really want to label yourself an alcoholic when you probably aren’t?

Finally, do you really want to try and build a life around stupidly counting up the days of NOT DOING SOMETHING?

Why not let us help you cut to the chase, as the saying goes, and fix it now? Let’s find out how you can get the benefits of drinking without the costs.

Let us help you figure out how to “get a grip and get a life.”

The Downside of Being Smart, Creative, Sensitive & Articulate

You are smart, successful, creative, sensitive, and a lot of other generally desirable things, but you find yourself stuck with either being productive or self-destructive.

Unlike most people, you can’t go through life on” cruise control.”

That’s where the alcohol abuse comes in. It’s your version of cruise control, a way to achieve some respite. But it’s very short term relief, and, eventually, the price gets to be too high.

So what are the possible alternatives? Frankly, there aren’t any that are as quick, easy, and readily available as alcohol. But there are better solutions – ones that enhance your life, rather than detracting from it.

Helping your discover what works for you is what we do, that no one else does. It’s also why we only work with individuals, not groups, and why you get all of our attention.

You’re a complicated individual. Figuring out what ‘ll work for you takes some focused effort. Effort that no other program is willing, or able, to invest in you.

You’re not part of the herd and we’re not either. Forcing yourself, or being forced, to pretend you are, will never have a positive effect. Quite the opposite.

So, it really isn’t surprising that you won’t find your solutions down at the AA Corral. But you will find them here.

FAQ:

Alcohol Abuse, Alcoholism, and 12 Step Programs That Can’t Tell the Difference

“How Can You Possibly Cure My Years of Alcohol Abuse in Just 5 Days?”

Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Sent My Brother Off To Rehab;

March 18, 2012 Newsletter

Mon, 19 Mar 2012 09:52:51 +0000

Assessing you…

Treatment facilities across the U.S. and Canada have only two assessments outcomes. You are, to them, an “alcoholic” who is either “in recovery” or “in denial”.

To them there is no such thing as someone who actually doesn’t have a problem; or who is abusing alcohol, not dependent; or someone who might be able to moderate; or someone who is medicating an actual medical condition that needs addressed.

Of course this also means that you need 30, 60, or — preferably — 90 days of useless treatment. Followed by the admonitions “don’t drink, go to AA,” a process which is more apt to increase your drinking than curb it.

The alternative, obviously, is to actually be assessed, a process that should evaluate you using real criteria like the DSM-IVR, but which also assesses your strengths, interests, circumstances, history, and preferred outcomes.

That’s what we do. All of it. We do the most comprehensive and individual assessments in the country. And we do it so you’ll recover – not be “in recovery” and back through the treatment mills’ revolving doors.

If you want a bit more information you can click on the link, or give us a call.

Alcohol Abuse, Alcoholism, and 12 Step Programs That Can’t Tell the Difference

Let’s Add “In Recovery” to the Treatment Vocabulary Scrap Heap!

What does “in recovery” mean? It can really be defined as “unwilling to give up alcohol as the defining focus of my life.”

More accurately, “unwilling to get a life;”

Or – “wanting to keep an excuse readily at hand for going back to drinking;”

Or “intent on avoiding intimacy;”

Or it’s a threat, as in “don’t be messing with my recovery!” which translates into “if you suggest I grow up it’ll be your fault when I go back to drinking!”

We’re pretty sure you get that picture.

And what does it means when treatment programs advertise that “100% of our staff is in recovery!”? It really means their staff isn’t going to help you leave alcohol abuse behind – just the opposite.

People who define themselves as “in recovery” aren’t ever going to recover. They’re still hiding from life with another form of alcohol focus, in-recovery-ism.

Bottom line? It’s just another excuse to drink; avoid; and refuse responsibility; and all of the opportunities that life offers.

But you are capable of freeing yourself from alcohol abuse and dependence while building, or enhancing, a real life.

Recovered – not recovering. Why choose less when you can have more?

FAQ:

“How Can You Possibly Cure My Years of Alcohol Abuse in Just 5 Days?”

Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Sent My Brother Off To Rehab;

March 11, 2012 Newsletter

Mon, 12 Mar 2012 11:15:54 +0000

We were reading Dr. Sally Satel’s review of “Memoirs of an Addicted Brain” by Marc Lewis, M.D., and came across the following, “Dr. Lewis reminds us that people keep using … because drugs serve a purpose.”

Dr. Lewis further notes, “In one way or another, … people take drugs because they are not feeling right.”

How much does this reflect our oft-stated — as well as research and experience supported — contention that you don’t drink because you are dumb or diseased, but because it works — albeit in the short term?

Dr. Lewis also confirms that the addled brain, his included, can repair itself through altered thought and behavior patterns. We help you accomplish this through CBT, assertiveness training, diet, exercise, and motivational enhancement, among other things.

Dr. Lewis left his multiple addictions behind after he found himself thinking, “I deserve a chance to live.”

So do you. And you don’t need to waste more years figuring out how to manage this transition like he did. We’ll help you figure out your own route to “getting a grip and getting a life.”

That better life of yours is just a phone call away…

Igneous, Sedimentary or Metamorphic?

When I graduated from college my degree was in geology – an interest that began in my teens, exploring and mapping “wild” caves with my older brother.

But as the years passed and my professional life moved into psychology some of the terminology has lingered. Yes, I still tend to think of perspective clients as igneous, sedimentary, or metamorphic.

So if you are an igneous “volcanic” anger based individual only interested in having others change to conform to your wishes, well, you’ll need to look elsewhere for help with that.

If you’re a sedimentary, laid back, mudstone kinda person with no interest in changing at all, then we’ll simply refer you to AA and/or Alanon, the natural home for those who are only interested in pretending to give up an alcohol centered life.

But! If you’re one of those rare “metamorphics” — and those who stick around our website and newsletters usually are — then let’s get going on real change. The kind of change that turns shale in slate, limestone into marble, and coal into diamonds.

That’s the kind of change you can undergo, transforming a disappointing life into one that is uniquely yours. Exchanging misery for joy, sadness for contentment, and depression for action.

FAQ:

Alcohol Abuse, Alcoholism, and 12 Step Programs That Can’t Tell the Difference

“How Can You Possibly Cure My Years of Alcohol Abuse in Just 5 Days?”