Who are the women who come to us from across the country? And why to they come here – not just from the U.S., but also from Canada and sometimes from around the world?

These women include physicians, college professors, artists, actresses, lawyers, politicians, business owners, flight crew, managers, teachers, executives, writers, housewives and yes, even a mortician.

Why? Frankly, they come because we offer the only program that views women’s alcohol abuse for what it is – a coping mechanism gone awry, not a disease they are powerless over. Women work with us because we offer research based solutions that are private, effective and affordable and which allow them to put alcohol abuse behind them. Permanently.

In other words, we use methodology  that empowers women, not  male focused formats that only reinforce the underlying problems and continued – and usually escalating – alcohol abuse.

Any review of most current treatment programs shows that they all ignore the fact that women’s alcohol use and abuse differs from men’s. The programs throughout the U.S., Canada, and Australia virtually all use the same 12-Step/AA based model for women that they use for men. To make matters even worse, none of these programs are effective, not even for 95% of the men for whom they were supposedly designed! So, as a woman who wants to get over her alcohol abuse, what can you do?

First, forget about it being a “disease.” There isn’t any evidence to support that idea, and plenty to refute it. Alcohol abuse is a behavior, a short term coping mechanism that’s interfered with long term solutions. But as a learned behavior, not a “disease” it can be “unlearned,” and doesn’t require a life time of “treatment” and “being in recovery.”

While you’re at it, forget being “powerless,” too. Many women who abuse alcohol already feel powerless in their relationships. You certainly don’t need to be told that you must now further incorporate powerlessness into your belief system or you will never be able to quit drinking. You’re drinking because you feel powerless. Being coerced into believing that you are powerless won’t help you stop drinking, it will make you want to drink even more!

Once you get past these common myths, you will want to consider what you’re using alcohol for.

In many cases, alcohol use is related to loneliness, boredom, anxiety, and other conditions where it provides effective short-term relief, but prevents you from finding long term solutions.

Additionally, alcohol abuse is often related to unavoidable life events including children leaving home, divorce, the death of a spouse, or other changes where it fills empty time, and/or soothes difficult emotions. In some instances, where women have already been using alcohol to self-medicate, a difficult peri-menopause or menopause can push them over the edge into alcohol abuse.

In working with women we frequently find that alcohol abuse reflects imbalances in the relationship. Whenever one person is feeling disempowered, or without an equal voice, alcohol becomes the passive-aggressive weapon of choice. Of course this makes the inequality even worse which leads to an even greater reliance on drinking.

While all of these events and issues are understandable, too often the alcohol use prevents the creation of a better and healthier life through the development of new interests and activities and a newly empowered sense of self.

That brings us back to the original question. What’s the best way to address your misuse of alcohol and correct whatever is causing it?

The simple – though not easy – answer is that you replace your inactive and passive or even passive-aggressive life with an active and assertive one.

That probably leads you to wonder exactly what an “active and assertive” life looks like, since that’s not obvious – particularly not to many women. For example, we often hear, “But I am doing something! I’ve been going to therapy for years!”

In our experience,  “going to therapy for years” isn’t doing something – at its best, it’s getting ready to do something. At its worst, it’s a way of avoiding doing anything.

In the process of change, most therapy falls within the “Contemplation Stage”, and, again, many women stay in what we call “contemplation hell” for years waiting for something to happen.

“The Action Stage,” begins when you quit waiting and start doing. This is when, and how, your alcohol abuse will subside. As you become increasingly involved with your own life, and as it feels more under your control, you will find that there are fewer hours for alcohol to fill, and more reason to feel and be at your best.

Yes, change can be frightening. It can also be exciting, freeing, interesting, and surprising. Successfully eliminating alcohol’s destructive effects is a challenge and competent short term coaching can make the difference.

When you decide that it’s time to start living, select help with care. Do not fall for programs that reinforce helplessness and “life-long recovery” or any of the other stereotypical traps that women so easily fall prey to. You’re looking for a solution, not even more limitations and labels.

Do look for counselors who will look at your life from an inclusive perspective and help you design and implement active alternatives to drinking. Good programs will include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy and assertiveness training.  The best will see you though the changes without turning you into a long term client, or referring you to 12 Step groups or on-line chat rooms.

It won’t be easy to find help, but it is available. We’re always available for free consultations and referrals so don’t hesitate to ask for suggestions.

Remember, alcohol abuse is a behavior, not a disease, and behaviors can be changed and left behind. You’re not powerless and you do not need to live a diminished life “in recovery.”

As one client recently noted, “I got a grip, got a life, and moved my alcohol abuse into the ‘been there, done that’ file and closed the drawer.”

You can too.

Many Midlife Changes Contribute to Alcohol Abuse

For some women the onset of alcohol abuse coincides with the changes in hormone levels that signal the start of perimenopause – changes that we may be unaware of in the earliest stages. When this is combined with other stresses in our lives – job changes, health concerns, children leaving home – we can find ourselves abusing alcohol for the first time in our lives.

At this point, many of my women clients report that they start to get forgetful and experience “foggy thinking” and moodiness. These can be the first signs of menopause and, sometimes, the beginning of escalating alcohol consumption, as a means of easing various unfamiliar discomforts and a sense of unease.

Alcohol Abuse Can Trigger Premature Menopause

Normal menopause is a gradual process that starts between the ages of 45 and 55, though a number of conditions can lead to premature menopause. Some contributing factors include the following lifestyle choices:

1. Heavy Drinking (more than 1 glass of wine, 12 oz. of beer, or 1.5 oz of liquor daily);
2. Heavy smoking;
3. Poor nutrition;
4. Chronic stress to the body – including excessive athletic training;

Indeed, heavy alcohol consumption alone may hasten the onset of menopause by as much as five years!

Full menopause finds us with our estrogen production down by 75% – 90% and for lots of us, the usual menopausal symptoms – hot flashes, tiredness and difficulty sleeping – in full flower. Some also experience a drop in libido (sexual desire) which can be permanent.

Self-Medicating With Alcohol Compounds The Problems

Unfortunately, continued alcohol abuse at this stage of life, multiplies the problems. For example. alcohol use itself can trigger hot flashes and increase sleep disruptions, considerably increasing their frequency and intensity.

Additionally, links have also been found between the amount of alcohol women consume and a higher risk of cancer. In particular, alcohol increases the risk for the most common types of postmenopausal breast cancer, with the risk increasing exponentially to consumption (i.e. one daily serving of alcohol resulted in only a 7% increase of risk, but drinking three servings of alcohol per day resulted in as high as 51% increase in risk).

Alcohol also increases the amount of calcium excreted in the urine. If you abuse alcohol, you excrete more calcium than is healthy, which can cause a calcium deficiency and eventually lead to osteoporosis. And, of course, heavy drinking increases our risk of liver disease, falls, DUIs, and motor vehicle accidents.

Effective Help Takes All Possible Contributing Factors Into Account

Clearly, perimenopause, menopause and postmenopause are times of multiple risks for those of us who find we are drinking too much. With that in mind, if you are over 40, you should at least, consider hormonal shifts as a contributing factor in any change in your alcohol use. It should also be a consideraton if you become concerned about alcohol abuse and seek help from an alcohol treatment program. Look for a program, such as my own Non 12 Step Alcohol Treatment Program, that will address all of the possible factors contributing to your alcohol abuse – biological, psychological and social – not programs that use the outdated and debunked “disease model.”

We are very grateful to our client for so kindly offering to keep a diary of her experience participating in our 5-day Women’s Outpatient Alcoholism Treatment program and also for allowing us to share her experiences with you. – Mary Ellen and Ed

The night before I was supposed to meet Mary Ellen and Ed, to start my alcoholism treatment program, I could not help but drink as much alcohol as I could ingest. I felt like I was being defiant and also completely in control, because I was deliberately getting drunk. It was my choice. However, I drank myself into yet another blackout.

Day 1: I woke at 3:00 AM and felt so anxious that I could not sleep anymore. I was anticipating that the next week would be my judgment week and I would have to start my story at birth and go through all the ups and downs of my life and all the behaviors I experienced throughout my life to uncover the real reasons for my “disease.”

When I drove to their offices, I felt like it was my first day in school and I wanted to turn around and drive away. I sat in my car for 20 minutes contemplating whether or not I could handle a week’s worth of criticism about my life, talking about things I could have and should have done better and why I ruined my life. I knew it was nerves. I was, after all, the one who had called them. I wanted to learn how to stop drinking. I was the one who had flown 1400 miles to Los Angeles, California to see them. I needed to get out of the car!

Ed was standing outside on the balcony watching for me. I was immediately put at ease. Ed had an agenda and it had nothing to do with my background. We chatted for a half hour and then he drove me to Dr. Norcross’ office, for my appointment which Ed had pre-arranged. Ed actually sat in the waiting room and waited for me to get my blood work done and for Dr. Norcross to prescribe the anti-craving medication Naltrexone and Ativan, a tranquilizer. Dr. Norcross was as non-judgmental as Ed, and he understood why I needed to see him. He is a very kind and decent man.

Afterwards, we went back to their offices where I met Mary Ellen. She was as genuine and relaxed as Ed and I began to let down my guard. We talked, very casually, about my life, present day. We did not go back in history as I had anticipated. There wasn’t any of the finger pointing or judging my decisions that I had anticipated. Instead, they explained that my alcohol abuse was not just habit or addiction but a result of problems in areas in my life that could be changed.

Mary Ellen is very knowledgeable in the area of women’s hormones and alcohol treatment for women, and she suggested that I get my hormone levels checked due to my age and some circumstances that I discussed with her. She made sure to keep it understood that the hormones may be only one of several triggers for my change to radical drinking and that we would explore all of the contributing factors as we ruled things out, or in.

They provided a Resouce Guide for me to keep and use. My husband and I had filled out a sentence completion test that Ed uses with clients suitable for AA alternative treatment and he promised to discuss the results the following day.

My homework for the night was to go onto two different websites provided in the Resource Guide and find out a little more about my actual health.

Day 2: The session began with the “why me” question. I have a great husband, great family, great income, great job, great home…why me? Why am I ruining such a wonderful life?

Mary Ellen and Ed helped me realize that another reason for my alcohol abuse was to conform to the people around me. Although that was only one of many reasons, they took each area of my life and showed me how I could enhance it to live a healthy life. I also realized that I have been attempting to sabotage my successes in life so that I would fit in with other family members and keep my “place” in the family. Unconsciously, I felt that I was not supposed to be the one who succeeded – my brothers were – and I had bypassed them which made me uncomfortable in that position. So, to level off my success, I drank to “even the score.” Sure, I was a success at work, but I was a drunk! It made family life easier to deal with on my end.

The surprise of the day was that I had known all of what they were tallking me for a very long time but until I talked about it, I never really believed it. I thought it was my own little cop-out for drinking, when in reality, my thoughts were validated. This day brought about a lot of permission to think freely without judging myself.

I had taken the Resource Guide they had given me back to my hotel room the night before. Mary Ellen and Ed asked that I read through chapters 1 and 2, but I was so interested in their approach to drinking and solving my own alcohol abuse problems, I read the entire Guide! Today, I questioned them on several areas of the Guide that I either did not undertand or that I did not agree with. Very patiently, they allowed me to run this part of the session and explained their approach to me so by the end of the day, I was out of questions and was ready for more information.

Mary Ellen and Ed encouraged me to begin filling the time I used to use for drinking with healthy activities. They encouraged me to start a workout program, to get involved in helping other people by contributing my time to real charities and not continuing with the unhealthy relationships that I nurtured with too many of my friends and family. They also invited me to go to their gym with them, to begin considering my workout program and I readily accepted. They also advised me to read two very important books “Three Minute Therapy” and “The Assertiveness Workbook,” books they consider essential in alcohol treatment for women.

Day 3: We began the day by reviewing the costs and benefits of my drinking and the costs and benefits of quitting drinking, using the Resource Guide charts I had filled out. It was amazing to see, in writing, how little the benefits were to drinking and how many benefits there were if I quit alcohol. I began to realize that my problem with alcohol abuse was not as hopeless and complicated as I thought. I began to believe that there were actual real life changes that I could make to change my behavior.

We really studied the theory of cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) today. It was amazing to be enlightened as to why I drink in certain situations – how I jump into a situation because I believe it is the way I am supposed to behave, without any thought at all. My example was that if I am going to a party, I will get drunk. I have to get drunk because I am going to a party. Today, I learned how to deconstruct that thought pattern. I learned that I was making up my own rules and that, in fact, I did not have to get drunk if I went to a party. I was equating the event with the reason and not slowing my thought process down enough to actually think it through. I also realized today that I needed a lot more educaiton in the area of cognitive behavioral therapy.

We began to develop an on-going non 12 step treatment plan for going home. It dawned on me that this is not a one week cure-all. I realized that Mary Ellen and Ed were giving me basic tools to reshape my life – tools that included freedom from conformity and assertiveness training tools to help me deal with family and friends.

We drafted a treatment plan for my return home, which really opened my eyes. It dawned on me that everything was about to change and not just in the doctor’s offices, but my entire life was about to shift and I was excited. I realized that change was about to upturn my life as I knew it, and at the same time, give me the freedon to finally be me. I was really excited.

Next, we started to list who (of my family and friends) I wanted to see and when. This was based on which relationships were healthy and which were, as Ed called it “parasitic” and how to deal with the latter in the short term.

Also, how would I fill my time now that I was going to quit alcohol? I would start working out with a personal trainer; I would get the two work-related certifications that I have wanted to get for a long time; I would volunteer at a place where I could really contribute. Also, we looked at how the holidays would work for me. I even had a financial plan that I could live with. A lot of pressure was lifted.

Just by contributing to my own treatment plan, I felt empowered that I was taking charge of the rest of my life. It felt great! As soon as I got back to my hotel room, I called my husband and went through each of the steps and he was in complete agreement. I could not have asked for a better response.

Day 4: 6:00 AM and there is Ed, smiling and sweaty, in the gym greeting me. Mary Ellen came in right after and we began the workout. They started with the bench presses. I was a complete amateur compared to Mary Ellen. After working up to it, I was able to bench press 85 lbs. Mary Ellen went on the bench press 115 lbs. and I was astounded. I saw her medals in her office but to watch her was amazing and it made me really believe that I too could get myself fit.

Later we met back at the office and talked about the treatment plan and I was relieved when Mary Ellen told me that I did not have to rush home and implement all of these changes at once. Mary Ellen and Ed wanted me to take it slow, just like my new way of thinking.

Today I was also introduced to the “Balance” meditation CD. I lay on the couch for 5 – 10 minutes and really listened to it. Amazingly, I was not sleepy but reflective, while listening.

After more work on my “returning home” plan, we went out and had a great lunch, and then stopped by Circuit City so I could buy headphones and two CD players (one for me and one for my husband) so we could continue the relaxation work at home. I also got online and ordered CBT and assertiveness books and the CD to be delivered to my home so they would be there when I went home.

After the session, I went to the mall. I shopped and then I walked for hours. I did not want to go back to the hotel. I did not want to tempt myself since my sister (who had come out with me) had left that day and I was completely alone, so I walked. I finanlly went back to the room, ate, took my ativan and went to sleep.

Day 5: I woke at 2:00 AM and within 10 minutes, had myself completely spun up. Today would be my last day with Mary Ellen and Ed. I was freaking out. I realized that I was going back to the real world and everything came crashing down on my shoulders. What if I go back to my old ways? What if the people around me don’t agree with the changes? Would they get mad at me?

I had so many concerns that by the time of my appointment, I walked in the door and just started crying. I had forgotten to print my airline ticket so Mary Ellen took it out of my hand and immediately went to the computer to print it out for me. Ed just stood there and hugged me for a very long time. I was afraid to leave and I did not want to leave.

As anyone does when someone is in crisis mode, Mary Ellen and Ed were completely calm. I could not stop crying and Ed got out a down comforter, Mary Ellen got me in a big, fluffy, comfy chair and put the comforter around me, Ed put the headphones on me and the Balance CD came on. They turned off the lights and gave me half an hour to return from my mini-meltdown. I was learning an alternative to alcohol abuse for those times when my anxiety flared up.

When they came back in the room, I was relaxed and was really able to enjoy the CD. I asked them if this was a natural reaction because I am a person that typically does not cry at all. They said that it was a good sign that I was concerned with my re-emergence into my life. It said that I was not taking the program for granted.

As we talked about returning home, I felt so sorry for everything I had put my husband through and today was the first time I truly recognized how much he must be hurting.

I hugged both of them and thanked them for changing the course of my life. I truly felt that I could handle the changes, especially since I would be able to talk to them anytime I wanted and email them as well. We set up our first call for the next week. We said our goodbyes and I felt, on the one hand, scared to be leaving the nest and on the other hand, empowered to really implement the changes I needed to keep me strong.

Today, I realized there are so many facets of my life I needed to work on and alcohol abuse was the barrier that I used to ignore confrontations, to level out the successes in my life with a little drunken failure, and that perhaps, as I grow older, I am changing hormonally. I would not have understood these things without a program that understood alcohol treatment for women. I also now understand that habits and beliefs can be changed by acknowledging them as real and identifying that they need to change.

Today is the first day of a new life without alcohol abuse, for me, for my husband and my family, thanks to Ed and Mary Ellen and yes, to me, too, for being brave enough to accept my need to change and to seek the help to accomplish it.

By Dr. Mary Ellen Barnes

“Powerlessness” Teaches You to Be A Victim

You’ve probably heard about “powerlessness.” It’s a founding principal of AA, the “First Step” of 12-Steps, and virtually every treatment regimen in the U.S. Believing it is also the biggest predictor of relapse and one reason newcomers to AA have a binge rate 4 – 7 times higher than before they ever walked through the door.

Being smart, you can figure out where this is going. Obviously, if I have a disease over which I am powerless, then I am not responsible for my behavior – past, present, or future. If one drink is all it takes then I have no reason to stop at one. If a “slip” wipes out my “sober” history then I might as well keep on drinking until I can’t manage another swallow. One drink or fifty, it’s all the same in the world of the disease model. And it’s not my fault – I’m a victim – what a relief that is.

It’s A Bad Concept For Women To Adopt

This logic, of course, applies to both men and women. But the results of the belief aren’t, given that men and women generally approach being victims differently. You probably know that men tend to deny being victimized even when it’s true, refusing to admit, much less report, molestation; avoiding doctors regardless of symptoms; rarely acknowledging doubts or failures, or problems. Confronted, they tend to respond actively. Denial may well lead to shorter lives, but it also insulates most men from depression.

Women tend to embrace victim-hood and settle into depression, never addressing underlying problems but merely, at best, substituting alcohol’s temporary relief – and additional depressing effects – rather than actively changing. That’s not surprising.

In the 1970s psychologist and adult development researcher Dr. Jane Loevinger noted women’s tendency to withdraw into conformity when under stress. Unfortunately, conforming to the norm of powerlessness is at least as debilitating as over indulging in alcohol – or any other anxiety reducing consumption or stereotype.

There Are Better Alternatives

Women are far better served by developing their power over their situation and problems, not by agreeing to passively accept artificial limitations, limitations too often reinforced by other women.

Maybe you’ve heard what we hear it all the time when we ask, “When are you going to do something about your situation?”

“I am,” she says, “I’ve been going to therapy for years!”

All too often the same error is made, mistaking talking about a problem for doing something about it.

If you are ready to do something about your alcohol problems, call us at 888-541-6350. We can help you.

By Dr. Mary Ellen Barnes

You May Never Get Him Back

“I thought when he quit drinking…,” or “The program he went through says he’s successful, but…?” and “Is this all I have to look forward to?” The words vary but the underlying question is pretty much the same, “He was a drunk, now he’s a ‘recovering alcoholic.’ When’s he going to get over it?”

That’s the sad, and unnecessary, truth about most men who supposedly are “in 12-Step styled recovery.” They aren’t going to get over it. Indeed, they are continuously warned against even trying. Wives are warned against discussing it lest you interfere with him “working his program” and precipitate a relapse.

“Recovery” Is For The Men Who Don’t Want A Life

For some men it’s even true, except for the nonsense about your possible responsibility for his forever-pending relapse, of course. He is responsible for any future drinking, just as he was for his past drinking. Don’t fall for that red herring.

Still, a lot of men lack the maturity, the coping skills, the social supports, or the outside interests that make outgrowing AA-style “recovery” possible or desirable. It’s a crutch they could throw away along with their alcohol dependence, but it probably isn’t going to happen.

Men Have Been Brainwashed

A lot of them are just plain scared, and with good reason. They have been brain washed by treatment programs, Dear Abby, the minister, their fellow meeting devotees, “sponsors,” the press, TV and so on. They’re told they have “a lifelong, progressive disease for which there is no cure, only endless recovery in the form of ‘working the program,’” as a substitute for getting a life. It’s enough propaganda to scare anyone and it’s been around for fifty, mostly unchallenged, years.

What’s A Wife To Do?

If you want a real marriage while he’s still pursuing an affair with his “disease” your options are limited. There isn’t a lot of help out there to support you in seeking a better and more intimate relationship with your spouse.

Few therapists have the experience necessary for the task of refuting treatment industry ad copy and dire predictions. Fewer still can resist the temptation to simply “process” your frustrations with you for months or years on end, rather than help you formulate active solutions. Better to listen, nod sympathetically, and send the bill.

If You Still Want More – Change Yourself

Creating a more intimate relationship doesn’t come with a road map. The best you can manage is to head off in that general direction and hope that he follows along. No guarantees, just the possibility, which is something you don’t have now. Otherwise you’ll need to resign yourself to whatever comforts you current life offers. Many wives do. Some like it.

However, for you, remember that the basic rule of change is that you can only change yourself. The hope is that in doing so, he will also change and that this will bring you closer together. That’s the real process.

Try a few changes, see what happens, adjust, try some more, see where that goes. Assess your feelings. Add another change. Resist ultimatums, threats, and coercion. Change yourself and your circumstances for the better and see what responses appear.

Remember: Active, Assertive, Responsive

If you are going to be seeking solutions, it’s good to have some support, but finding it may not be easy. You won’t find it in the traditional “families of alcoholics” settings populated by women thrilled to have him sober and out of the house, or with others who are deathly afraid to rock the boat. Many counseling professionals don’t know anything to do with women except to “process” endlessly, consigning you to “contemplation hell” while you cover their car payments.

Get Real Support

This comes from those who facilitate short-term, focused and active change. It will also be found among women who are attacking their dissatisfactions in alternative and non-traditional ways.

Look for support in unusual places and activities. Take up strength training at a real gym, not a girly spa; head down to the gun shop and sign up for a shooting class (that’ll get someone’s attention); head off to a serious self-defense class; go whitewater rafting. Head on down to your local animal shelter and get a dog to train and trade affection with; or take community college classes in “guy” things like carpentry or auto mechanics.

Doing Stuff

Why? Not be meet guys (darn), but because this helps break our tendency to process rather than “do” stuff. You know what I mean – we love to sit around and talk about our problems, and talk and talk and talk and we rarely do or fix anything. Or, we take a class in “journaling” – which is just processing on paper, again without doing much to fix the situation. When you go do some “guy” things, you will not spend much time processing, but actively doing and learning. The women you meet will be those who like doing stuff. And doing stuff is both an empowering and a depression-avoiding prescription.

I’m my own good example. I joined a real gym, hired a smart, strong, woman trainer and consequently, I much stronger and healthier, feel safer, and I am empowered and happier. Feeling this way, I can better handle the problems life throws at me and I can also pursue opportunities that previously would have frightened me.

But He’s Still Missing In Action, “Working His Program”

As you actively develop your own life, you will have less need for him to complete your life and more opportunities to find fulfillment through other interests. And as your life becomes more interesting, perhaps he will also become interested in alternatives to endless meetings.

That’s the hope and the strategy is two-pronged: make yourself and your life more interesting regardless of what he chooses and prepare yourself for a renewed marriage if he becomes capable.

Re-exert Control Over Your Life

It is scary. Plotting an unpredictable course into your future takes nerve and the willingness to let the results unfold. That’s a lot of control – even false control – to give up. But it is also taking back control of yourself, for yourself, and taking it back from his obsessions with alcohol and recovery.

Regardless of the various outcomes, you will find that actively developing skills is self-enhancing in any case. You will be more independent, more confident, more capable, and more attractive to yourself and others. Your dependence on your current situation will ease and your expectations will increase as experiences grow. Life will get better if you allow it to.

Whether he’s stuck in the bottle or in recovery we can help you reclaim your life, with or without him. Call us today at 888-541-6350.