Why would you want to be a “powerless victim”?

We often point out we don’t abuse alcohol because we’re dumb, or powerless, or diseased, but because it works. It’s a wonderfully effective way to very temporarily self-medicate loneliness, boredom, anxiety, and a number of other uncomfortable conditions.

That being the case, it should be obvious that we prefer to be “powerless victims” because this allows us to continue to drink rather than acknowledge that it’s a choice and assume responsibility for making choices – including electing to fix it.

That’s the key, really. Responsibility.

If I want to be a real grown up, and live my own life, then I need to take responsibility for my behaviors and their consequences, and stop being a victim.

But we live in a culture that values and rewards being a victim rather than one that esteems independence, success, effort, and self-efficacy. Especially in women. But men aren’t much better off.

So what do you want and how do you wish to live your life?

Yes, the easy way is to continue doing what you’ve always done and hope that somehow things will change. Einstein called that insanity, but that doesn’t stop many of us from opting for the “security of familiar miseries”.

The alternative? Actually creating a life that’s all your own and which suits you as much as is possible without blame, denial, or apologies.

Stop for just a moment and consider what such a life would look like and then let us help you get just as close to that as possible.

No, you’re not a powerless victim unless you decide to be.

So why not call and discuss other possibilities?

Why your doctor may refuse to help you with your alcohol abuse problem.

We had another e-mail this week informing us of yet another doctor refusing to help someone address their alcohol problem.

What gives?

First, your doctor probably doesn’t know anything about alcohol abuse except that “it’s a disease and AA is the only way”. Sadly, physicians are no more immune to myths than the rest of us and many are under pressure to refer patients to hospital programs based on AA – programs with success rates in the usual 2%-3% range but which are enormously profitable.

Second, he or she probably is unaware of Naltrexone, the highly effective anti-craving med that is a really good adjunct to successful treatment – but which, as a generic, is ignored by the drug reps who provide virtually all of your doctor’s pharmaceutical education.

Third, your doctor is afraid of being sued and as long as she or he only refers you to AA they are safe even though they probably know it isn’t going to help and may, in fact, make your drinking worse.

Finally, your doctor may have personal agendas and beliefs that override their concern for your situation. Sadly, this too is a frequent problem.

Solutions?

Educate yourself, request a copy of our Naltrexone handout for physicians, become assertive in dealing with your doctor and, if necessary, find another doctor.

Legitimately, your doctor may also hesitate to prescribe Naltrexone unless you are also receiving counseling at the same time. Naltrexone isn’t a cure – merely a short term support while you fix whatever problems you’re self-medicating. That being the case, we will work with you and your doctor as we do with many of our clients.

Good medical support does exist as do good programs – don’t be denied help because of political and financial considerations that negatively impact your success.

We understand that it’s difficult to be informed and assertive under the weight of an alcohol problem, but there’s no other time when standing up for yourself is more important.

Do not be denied or railroaded!

Bits and Pieces….

Next weeks Question/Answer: What are the benefits of drinking?

(Yes, there are many, including a few for your spouse, some of which you may not have considered.)

Our Most Popular Links:

Smart Women and Alcohol Abuse

The Real “Steps” to Overcoming Alcohol Abuse

Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Sent My Brother Off To Rehab;

That’s right – judges may no longer legally send you, or anyone else, to AA. Unhappily, a lot of judges, along with lawyers, haven’t gotten the message, or even more commonly, judges continue to order people to AA unless you object.

Please note, all of these courts have ruled that Alcoholics Anonymous is a religion or engages in religious activities:

• the Federal 7th Circuit Court in Wisconsin, 1984;
• the Federal District Court for Southern New York, 1994;
• the New York Court of Appeals, 1996;
• the New York State Supreme Court, 1996;
• the U.S. Supreme Court, 1997;
• the Tennessee State Supreme Court;
• the Federal 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals in New York, 1996;
• the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Seventh Circuit;
• the U.S. Court of Appeals, Seventh District, 1996;
• the Federal Appeals Court in Chicago, 1996;
• the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals, September 7, 2007.

The United States Supreme Court has refused to hear challenges to those rulings, or to change or over-turn those lower court decisions. By letting them stand, the Supreme Court has made them the law of the land.

There is no greater abuse of individuals by the courts these days than the continued orders to attend AA, AA /12 Step based treatment, or other coercive mandates to equally ineffective, and frequently counter-productive, forms of so-called treatment.

“No, Judge. No AA!”

Yes, you and your attorney may have to be emphatic – NO AA! You may have to offer alternatives to AA, and you may have to dig a little to find them, but we do exist.

What constitutes an AA alternative? Counseling and/or treatment based on research regarding what actually works including:

• CBT;
• Motivational Interviewing;
• Naltrexone;
• Fitness;
• Couples Counseling;
• Adult Development;
• Assertiveness Training

Remember too, it’s not just judges who sentence people to AA but also the licensing and certification boards that send “impaired professionals” to AA and 12 Step based treatment – a practice so fraught with graft and corruption that many states have eliminated the programs altogether.

Again – you cannot legally be required to join the AA cult!

Why do these abuses of power continue to appear?

Certainly ignorance of the law contributes, though judges are supposed to know what they can and can’t do. More often it’s the assumption that defendants and their lawyers won’t know their rights or will be too overwhelmed to object. Too often this assumption proves to be right and another poor sucker gets sent off.

But that doesn’t have to be you! You can “just say no” to AA and to the abusive and exploitive programs it has created – programs that actually prevent you from fixing your problems.

Worried about what lies ahead? Give us a call and discuss your particular situation and how we can help divert you away from AA and into a program that actually works at a fraction of the cost.

Don’t allow yourself to be punished repeatedly!

Just remember, “No, Judge. No AA!”

What About Insurance?

Many callers wonder about using insurance to cover the cost of treatment. Generally speaking, if you have coverage for out-patient treatment then our program is covered to whatever extent your carrier provides.

Coverage is usually extended to programs which are state certified, as ours is, and/or services provided by certificated counselors, which we are, too.

We do not, however, deal directly with providers – that is up to you.

Why not?

First because we’d need to deal with 40 or more different providers every year and we aren’t equipped to do that. Frankly the cost in lost time, as well as aggravation, isn’t worth it and would also demand at least a 30% increase in fees.

Second, it’s also a motivational issue. Successfully changing an entrenched behavior requires effort. If you can’t manage your own coverage and reimbursements, what are the chances you’ll also manage the work it takes to change your day-to-day life?
Yes, we’ll complete the forms, create the billings, and submit whatever documentaion is needed – but you need to manage the process.

Remember, please, that ending alcohol abuse is quite similar to losing weight, managing type II diabetes, getting in good physical shape, or changing any other behavior. It isn’t something anyone can do to you, or for you – the best we can manage is to do it with you, and we do that very, very well, and that’s where our focus will remain.

Finally, there is also the privacy issue – insurance records are not confidential and you should carefully consider whether or not you want to saddle yourself with the life-long public label of “alcoholic” – especially when you probably aren’t one.

Remember, 85% of those of you who are seeking help with alcohol problems are alcohol abusers, not alcohol dependent “alcoholics,” but 99% of all programs, and all insurance providers, insist on labeling you one.

Do you really want to affix the Scarlet A to your history in order to save a few thousand $$$$$?

Our prices are among the lowest in the country and our success rates the highest. And, yes, we’ll help you to get reimbursed if that’s what you want. But don’t let anyone talk you into using insurance as if that doesn’t come with a host of problems too – problems you might well wish to avoid.

Details?

As usual, that’s what we’re here for!

“The Security of Familiar Miseries”

Also known as “why I don’t ever get around to fixing my alcohol problem”. Common sense can have us wondering why we’re reluctant to change behaviors even when they are harming us. It is the age old battle for control between your rational mind and your emotional mind.

Usually it’s because we’re more afraid of change now than we are of consequences that may not show up until later.

That’s the main reason why people wait until there is a crisis before they call. We all like to wait until the “future consequence” shows up on our door step.

Whether it’s a DUI, divorce papers, doctor’s exam, job loss, or some other major event, we all wait, and wait, and wait, and…

A third of us will wait until it’s too late and no longer a decision. That’s called “deciding not to decide” – but that too is a decision.

Another third will call and do something.

And the final third will vacillate, read a book or two, surf the Internet, read our Newsletters, maybe call a program or two or three. Maybe it’s research, maybe it’s confusion, but it’s also procrastination.

Why?

Because we do like “the security of familiar miseries” or as the old proverb goes, “better the devil we know than the one we don’t”.

Of course that’s based on the fact they we humans seem to strongly prefer immediate gratification to even the hint of delayed gratification. Our emotional minds don’t want to give up control to our rational minds. Consequently we stay stuck in self-destructive behaviors because it is easier.

But there are ways out. We can all learn strategies to unite both parts of our minds and achieve our most elusive goals.

Want to learn more about these strategies?Next Week’s Question & Answer:  “Why would you want to be a powerless victim?”

Links and Contact Info:

Ms. Gabrielle Glaser is writing a book for Simon and Schuster on women’s relationships with alcohol. If you are willing, she would appreciate hearing from our women readers whether you’ve ever been a client or not.

For more details, please read the second article in our May 30th edition.

You may contact her confidentially at: americauncorked@gmail.com

Our Most Popular Links:

Smart Women and Alcohol Abuse

The Real “Steps” to Overcoming Alcohol Abuse

Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Sent My Brother Off To Rehab;

This week’s question and answer: “How does our program cost compare to others?”

It’s always tricky to compare costs – especially in an area where the price range is so extreme. Intensive outpatient programs we’re familiar with range from $3750 to $17,500 and of course residential offerings run the gamut from $20,000 to $200,000 or more.

So how do we compare our $8,750 to all the others?

We suggest that you compare what actually matters in determining whether or not a particular offering is apt to suit your needs, and whether or not a particular program is providing things you can’t get elsewhere.

For example? The vast majority of programs, residential or outpatient, offer nothing other than AA meetings barely disguised as “group counseling”. Obviously AA meetings are available everywhere for free so why would you pay to go to AA?

Then there is the staffing issue. Most program counselors are simply CD counselors whose only training and qualifications come from having passed a test on AA. Most describe themselves as being “in recovery” and, according to a recent peer survey, two thirds of them are “relapsing” even though they work in a treatment program. And they’re supposed to help you stay sober?

Next comes the question of how much of your time and money is actually going to be reflected in individual attention to your specific situation. Again, the answer is not much. Residential programs generally schedule one individual session per week (with that counselor who’s back to drinking) and most outpatient programs offer one or two sessions per month.

In summary, in exchange for your time and money, you might get:

• 4 – 12 sessions with someone who’s still having problems themselves;
• you’ll be paying to attend AA meetings you could have gotten for free anywhere;
• you will have acquired a public label as an “Alcoholic” which, for 85% of you, you aren’t!

And for this you spent up to $200,000???

In contrast, for your $8,750 plus airfare and hotel, we offer:

• 15 – 20 hours of individual time with each of us
• 12 or more hours of individual follow-up time with one of us;
• a completely customized and effective plan and program (not their 3%-5% “success” rate);
• CONFIDENTIALITY!
• Fully recovered – not “in recovery”;
• Research based solutions, not demeaning cults and myths and labels;
• Real professionals who have also succeeded in solving personal and family problems with alcohol and drugs.

Other comparison points you’d like to discuss? Good. We welcome the opportunity to talk about what’s in your own best interest.  And that’s why it’s time for you to make that call.

Permission Giving – Nowhere Else is the Difference Between “Us” and “Them” Sharper.

For years we have stressed that one of the big differences between what we do and what “they” do is that we encourage you to develop and live your own life!

There isn’t a more radical suggestion we could make.

While the AA/12 Steppers are exhorting you to join their cult, we’re suggesting exactly the opposite.

Live your life! You will succeed by becoming more yourself, not less.

You will be far less prone to revert to alcohol abuse if you grow to embrace your uniqueness – not by reducing yourself to a being a powerless conformist.

We also often say that what we help clients do is to see more options than they see for themselves – not to restrict their choices even further.

Please! Expand your circle of friends, acquaintances, and activities. Don’t reduce it even further than alcohol abuse already has!

Surround yourself with people who are leading the sorts of lives you wish to emulate – stay away for the nay-saying “Bucket of Crabs ” losers whose only real interest is in keeping you as miserable as they are.

Isn’t it time to go back to being an active participant in your own life? Not an anxiety ridden spectator?

Odds and Ends

Next Week’s Question & Answer: “Do you take insurance?”

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To compare what you get in working with us to what you get in a traditional program, please click HERE to read this client’s detailed review of our work with her.

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Popular Links:

“How Can You Cure My Years of Alcohol Abuse In Just 5 Days!”

Smart Women and Alcohol Abuse

Men’s Issues

Five Day Full Recovery Program;

Mary Ellen’s Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Sent My Brother Off To Rehab;

We’re pleased to be recommended by the following blogs: http://xsteppers.multiply.com/ and www.stinkin-thinkin.com

Once again it’s July 4th, Independence Day! Isn’t it time to declare your independence from alcohol abuse and/or the “programs” that only make it, and you, worse?

(Yes, Dr. Wilson answers the phone 8:00 a.m. – 8:00 p.m. on holidays, including today: 888-541-6350.)

This week’s question:

“How can over 2/3′s of your clients be successful when traditional programs only manage 5%?”

It’s a good question and the key answer is that our work with you is based on you, on research, and on what works, while traditional programs are based on AA which itself has a success rate of less than 5% (under 3% for women).
Reality? No program is going to achieve a success rate that exceeds whatever it’s based on.

Our clients are also helped by the fact that we aren’t stuck with cramming you into a “one-size-fits-all” model. We are free to work with you in designing what’s actually going to fit your circumstances.

Additionally, we continue to work with you in the months after you complete the 5 day intensive portion. No, we don’t refer you to AA, or chat rooms, or former clients, or anything else. We remain involved with you for as long as it takes to insure your success.

Other aspects?

We also work with your spouse if that suits the two of you. Again, the research is clear – motivation, spouse support, and effective counseling equals success, while excluding spouses – which AA and every AA based program is based on – equals failure.

There is also the matter of expectations. AA and 12 Step based programs expect you to fail – it’s built right into their business model. We, on the other hand, expect you to succeed!

Finally, we have been accused of achieving high success rates by “cherry picking” our clients. To this we plead guilty. We choose to work with you – a smart, successful, motivated individual who actually wants to put your alcohol abuse behind.

So! Are you ready to actually fix the problem? Good! Give us a call!

No, We Don’t Accept Everyone Who Applies

Most programs claim to carefully match your needs with their staff and program offerings. They’ve been claiming that for over 40 years and it’s still not true.

How do we know?

It’s simple, sadly, no matter who calls, or what their situation, every other program, 12 Step or not, will tell you, “Guess what? We’re the perfect match for you!”

We’re happy to say, right up front, we may not be the right one for you.

How can you know if we’re the right place to get help?

That’s pretty easy.

Are you:

• Smart?
• Successful in other areas of your life?
• Not interested in being a victim? Or being victimized?
• Not simply trying to placate someone else?
• Willing to be actively involved in building a more satisfactory life?
• Do you have a sense of humor?
• Are you capable of setting aside the past to focus on the present and future?
• Are you willing to invest in yourself?

Those are the traits our clients share, and the traits which also lead to success in leaving alcohol abuse behind.

Those are also the qualities we look for in admitting clients. If you have most of those traits, give us a call and we’ll discuss your situation, expectations, and outcomes and how they match with how we approach our work with clients. Chances are you can work with us to achieve success.

If you don’t think you match the traits we listed, call anyway and we’ll refer you to a program that more closely matches what you’re looking for.

Yes, there are alternatives. Let’s match you up with the right ones, not just another “Emperor’s New Clothes” scam to separate you from your money at a vulnerable moment in time.

Next Week’s Question and Answer:

“How does the cost of  your program compare to others?”

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And to compare what you get in working with us, as opposed to what you get in a traditional program, please click HERE to read this client’s detailed review of our work with her.

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Here’s last week’s “How Can You Cure My Years of Alcohol Abuse In Just 5 Days!” article in case you missed it.

For the May article Smart Women and Alcohol Abuse;

Here’s our June Men’s Issues edition.

An expanded description of our Five Day Full Recovery Program;

Mary Ellen’s Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Sent My Brother Off To Rehab;

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We’re pleased to be recommended by the following blogs:

http://xsteppers.multiply.com/ and www.stinkin-thinkin.com

“How can you possibly cure my years of alcohol abuse in JUST 5 DAYS?????”

Of course, we can’t, and neither can you – but we can set the stage for squeezing alcohol out of your life – and you won’t have to be “in recovery”, or brand yourself with the scarlet “A”, or waste your time in meetings, on steps, or isolated from real people and a real life.

“5 days? Really? Not 30, or 60, or 90?”

Yes, Really. Because we don’t waste your time, effort, or money on fillers. With only one new client a week, it’s about you! No groups, unless you count the two of us and possibly your spouse as a “group”.

Please, think about reality for just a minute. Your alcohol abuse occurs in the context of your day-to-day life. Not in isolation.

And that’s where it gets fixed. Not at some expensive spa whose only offering is indoctrination into the disease cult that only serves to either justify your drinking or exacerbate it. And for that you want to spend $20,000 – $200,000? We didn’t think so.

That being the case we offer real solutions, not placebos, all custom tailored to you, your situation, and your life. For 5 days we are focused, with you, on figuring out what is going to work for you, including a medical evaluation for the use of Naltrexone, and then we spend 12 or more weeks coaching and supporting you through the real work of changing your life.

“Can I skip the 5 days and just go straight to the coaching part?”

We tried that and, frankly, it doesn’t work very well. Without the foundation, and the established working relationship, motivation soon flags and people who could succeed drop out, complaining that “it” didn’t “work”.

But for those of you who really want to reclaim your lives – not placate someone else, or justify your continued alcohol abuse, or pretend to want help – we’re here.

Please remember: you can choose to leave alcohol abuse behind- privately, confidentially, effectively, efficiently, and forever.

Why would you choose anything else?

Why we work as a team.

We work with you as a team because it allows us to provide you with more insights, options, alternatives, and hope. We have different backgrounds and our experience with alcohol is also diverse.

Obviously gender differences also apply.

This means that you get far more from your time with us than with any individual counselor or therapist, no matter how good they may be.

It also means that when we work with couples we avoid that “ganging up on” problem that always dooms so-called “couples counseling”. It also means that each person, whether it’s the drinker or the concerned spouse, has an advocate and interpreter for their perspective.

Why no groups?

We don’t do group work. We have plenty to do helping you – we don’t need “filler”. And we don’t think you should waste your time listening to someone else’s situation that has nothing to do with yours.

Additionally, groups in the AA tradition are a way to prevent people from putting their alcohol abuse behind them. Why would we want to promote that relapse enhancing model? That’s right. We don’t.

Need a bit more info on this contentious topic? Read our Bucket of Crabs analogy on why AA and Alanon are bad for your health.

Other questions?

Don’t miss next week’s question & answer:

“How can over 2/3′s of your clients be successful when traditional programs only manage 5%?”

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Please click to read our new program description for Couples!
A former client’s detailed review of our work with her is available HERE.

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We’re also pleased to be recommended by the following blogs:

http://xsteppers.multiply.com/
and
www.stinkin-thinkin.com

Anxiety anyone?

First, our thanks to all of you who wrote in to share your reasons for delaying putting an end to your alcohol abuse. You pointed out a number of important considerations which we will cover in this and the next few Newsletters.

And PLEASE! If you haven’t written to us yet – help us help everyone by doing so! Thank you! MaryEllenandEd@non12step.com

Second, ANXIETY takes the prize for the single biggest obstacle.

Conclusions?

As another writer observed, somehow we have gotten ourselves to a point where the even normal anxiety is unacceptable and must be medicated away.

Of course this is nonsense – but it’s enough to keep many from leaving alcohol abuse behind – after all, how will I cope with anything? As if self-medication equals coping?

And commonly it comes down to anxiety about “what will my life be like without alcohol”?

One woman wondered how she could possible forego toasts at her daughters’ wedding receptions – never mind her daughters are 4 and 7. How bogus is that? But somehow she believes it, or chooses to since it saves her from stopping drinking – drinking that may well kill her long before her daughters’ weddings.

Others have alcohol abusing spouses and how can I stop drinking with him/her? That’s tough, especially when it’s the only shared activity the two of you have any more.

And what about the holidays?

And……

Another wrote to unsubscribe stating that the Newsletters had become “too repetitious”. We thought about that, trying to see how that could be.

Then it occurred to us that what she was really saying was she was tired of the anxiety that resulted from being reminded that she had a problem, she was making choices, and she could take responsibility and fix things. She didn’t like being reminded that she was her own victim, not alcohol’s.

Another complained about the cost, though our total cost ($8,750 plus airfare and hotel) makes us far cheaper than other programs $20,000 – $200,000; individual session time: 35-45 hours vs. 4-8; professional help vs. para-professional counselors, and a 65%+ success rate vs. <5%. And, after all, it isn’t like alcohol is free.

But what actually stops you from getting the help you really want and need now?

Really, it comes down to fear of the unknown or the old “security of familiar miseries” we often mention. So far, apparently, the pain of staying the same doesn’t yet offset the fear of change.

What to do about that? Talk to us about whether or not the changes are really all that frightening, or whether you’re just scaring yourself into staying drunk.

That’s one of the most common hurdles our clients talk about – how scared they were and how groundless that turned out to be. For most of them, the anxiety began to dissipate by noon on their first day and continued to ebb over the months until nothing remained except the normal anxiety life produces.

Remember neither anxiety nor alcohol abuse are “diseases” nor do you really need the second to cope with the first.

That’s the part where we come in so give us a call and let’s see what you can do to create a real life for yourself.

A reader wrote about her experience in a 12 Step program,

I was a rebel by stating from the outset that I would only be there 30 days, despite their 90 day “minimum”. It was all we could afford, despite ____’s helpful Accts Receivable “Counselor” who offered to walk me through getting a home equity loan!!! (“What’s more important: your house or your life?”)

We hear this so often we thought we’d comment on. Frankly, whenever you hear the “What’s more important…” phrase regarding money for treatment you know you’ve run up against a con game.

Get a home equity loan? Just how is strapping yourself with another $40,000 – $200,000 in debt going to reduce the anxiety that’s already driving you to drink?

Really.

Additionally, this pushing of a false choice is one of the oldest cons going. Think about it for just a brief minute – “my house or my life”? Are those really the only two choices?

And is being in a 12 Step program going to guarantee me my life in return for my money? Hardly. Quite the opposite in most cases.

Yes, con artists prey on the vulnerable and confused, especially in crisis, and hence this ploy works for them since, after all, they are only interested in collecting your money.

Granted it’s hard to make good decisions under the stress that often coincides with getting help – but you can avoid many of the pitfalls, scams, and false hope that constitute the only offerings of the vast majority of treatment programs.

Give us a call and speak to one of us personally – yes, we answer the phone ourselves, no marketing department, hard sell, or former clients trying to stay sober and make commissions by working the phones.

Next Week’s Question to be Answered:

How can you possibly fix a problem I’ve had for years in JUST 5 DAYS???

New Stuff!!

Click to read our new program description for Couples!

Help?

Gabrielle Glaser is still seeking information for her Simon & Schuster book on Women and Alcohol. You may contact her confidentially at: americauncorked@gmail.com

Client Program Review:

A former client graciously wrote a detailed review of our work with her. Click HERE to read it.

Old Stuff:

Our Comparison Shopping issue is available here;

An expanded description of our Five Day Full Recovery Program;

Mary Ellen’s Ten Things I Wish I’d Known Before I Sent My Brother Off To Rehab;

And old Newsletters are archived on our website under, you guessed it, Newsletters!

Yes, we work with couples. It doesn’t matter who has the alcohol problem, or who initiates the solution.

Why? Because successfully ending alcohol abuse depends on changing your behaviors in your day-to-day life and that means altering your relationship with your spouse. Remember, alcohol abuse is a “context” problem – it exists to fill a need within your daily life. Ending it means fixing the underlying problems so you no longer need to self-medicate for short term relief or avoidance.

Changing your activities and behaviors, however, is also going to affect everyone around you – especially spouses. Therefore, excluding your spouse from the treatment process pretty much dooms you to failure.

But there are other reasons, too.

If you’ve ever been to couple’s counseling you know that it almost instantly turns into a two on one event. With three people involved it’s almost inevitable that that’s going to happen. The result, of course, is zero progress, or worse, since any issues are obscured by this new triangle – him, her, therapist – and who gets the therapist on “their side” first.

We learned how to avoid that dynamic a long time ago – we work as a team with you as a couple. Makes it tough to hide behind the “you ganged up on me” excuse – and usually gives each of you an empathic advocate to boot.

But that requires skill and experience on our part – more things treatment programs with their para-professional, “in recovery”, counselors aren’t going to spend money on.

All  of that aside, the most important part of our couples model is based on the fact that no one has to wait on the spouse with the drinking problem!

That’s right! Instead of calling us and demanding to know how you can force someone else to stop drinking – which is impossible – you can begin the process of changing your behavior in the ways that are most likely to motivate your spouse to end his or her alcohol abuse.

Frankly, we have never had a husband or wife call and schedule a week with us to begin detaching from a spouse, without the spouse in question “suddenly” deciding it was time to come along and get help themselves. Funny how that works.

Why does it work?

Einstein noted that “insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different result.”

When it comes to spouses (really, any family member) and alcohol abuse, couples become locked into predictable patterns. Both of you, more comfortable with predictability than change, engage in this endless “you’re the problem, you go first” dance that never goes anywhere except around in the same old circle.

Most of us have also, at some level, incorporated the idea that alcohol is the problem and that if the drinker would just stop then everything would be okay. It would be nice if that were true, but it’s just another of those treatment industry myths, designed to placate family members.

Instead, the reality is that alcohol abuse is a short term coping mechanism that sabotages ever fixing real problems – things like loneliness, boredom, anxiety, anger, and passivity. If these underlying, and fueling, conditions are not addressed, then one is indeed doomed to forever being “in recovery” (a catch phrase that readily translates into “your can’t make me grow up”) and spouses are doomed to either playing second fiddle to the bottle, joining in, or escaping to a real life of their own.

But before you decide on option #3, the escape option – and we don’t recommend option  #1 or #2, don’t you think you should give actually fixing the problems a shot? That’s a lot cheaper and less disruptive than divorce – and usually leads to a far more interesting real marriage than our clients have ever known before.

Please! Don’t settle for coming second place behind your spouses bottle, or even worse in most cases, AA or Alanon, and don’t leave yourself wondering if your marriage might actually have been saved if you’d only invested that 5 days with us before you gave that lawyer a retainer for three times what we charge (and with many, many more billable hours to come).

Call us!

The call is free! The consultation is free! And the odds are excellent that at the very least you can create a far better future for yourself without incurring the cost of a lifetime of nagging doubts as to whether or not you did the right thing.

We have a question we’d really appreciate you helping us answer (and no one else can).

We’ve been sending out this Newsletter for almost 2 years now and we have a lot of regular readers (and a few irregular ones too). Some of you are former clients, others are professionals in the field, and some of you are concerned family members.

But our question goes to those of you who make up the majority of our readers, those of you with alcohol problems of your own that you’d like to put behind you, but just can’t seem to get up the motivation, or overcome the fear, or take the risk, or decide it’s finally time.

That’s the question. What can we do to reassure you that ending your alcohol abuse isn’t all that awful?

That, in fact, doing so will both improve and extend your life?

In order to help us answer that question, would you please e-mail us and let us know what your reason(s) for delaying are?

You can reach us confidentially at: mailto: MaryEllenandEd@non12step.com

We’d really like to know what’s holding you back so we can see how to address whatever concerns are keeping you stuck.

And, really, whatever is keeping you from getting the help you need is also preventing others from getting what they need.

So, PLEASE, help them, help us, and help yourself, too!

And if you’d rather call, well, that’s fine too!

888-541-6350

Sabotage Versus Support

We all face the problem of sabotage whenever we make changes in our day-to-day lives. Spouses and other family members resist even those changes they insist they want, even the end of your alcohol abuse.

Why?

Simply put, we all prefer predictability to the unknown – even when it’s the “security of familiar miseries”.

Conventional attitudes towards alcohol abuse and treatment make this tendency even worse.

How?

By pretending that “alcoholism” is a disease that can be arrested in isolation without the “cure” affecting anyone but the drinker.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

Just as alcohol abuse affects everyone associated with your drinking, so does leaving the drinking behind. If your spouse and other family members are uncomfortable with your drinking, so too will they, initially, be uncomfortable with you stopping.

Even good changes cause stress!

Yes, there will be some resistance to your new sober self and the ways in which this affects the dynamics of your marriage and family. That’s why we prefer to work with couples.

And why working with spouses is far more effective than excluding them.

Want more information on why and how this works? Give us a call and we’ll be happy to discuss details.

The Book Project

Another reader has written about Ms. Glaser’s “Women and Alcohol” book project for Simon & Schuster.

“Hello–I’ve been getting your newsletter for a while and have also corresponded with you briefly. I originally wrote you to help someone else understand the non-12-step approach, but I’ve ended up needing to delve more deeply into that point of view…

“This week I contacted Ms. Glaser about her book project, and I have to say that one conversation is probably going to change my life.

“Her perceptiveness and passion for this subject shone through in every word of that conversation.

“I can’t thank you enough for recommending that women contact her. This is going to be an important book.”

If you too would like to help, please, contact Ms. Glaser, confidentially, at: americauncorked@gmail.com.

Client Program Review:

The May 30th Newsletter contained a former client’s detailed review of our work with her. Click HERE to read it.

Odds and Ends:

Our Comparison Shopping issue is available here;

Read an expanded description of our Five Day Full Recovery Program;

And old Newsletters are archived on our website under, you guessed it, Newsletters!

New Information For Men, Whether You’re the Drinker, the Spouse, or Both…

Regardless of why you found yourself abusing alcohol, married to someone who abuses alcohol, or joining your spouse in alcohol abuse, the underlying factors tend to be the same.

Simply put, you probably find it difficult to be assertive in your personal relationships.

Unhappily, “simply put” does not translate into “easily fixed”.