Comments on: Helping Parents of Adult Alcoholics and Addicts With Non 12 Step Alternatives To AA http://www.non12step.com/articles/treatment-for-families/70-helping-parents Thu, 02 Feb 2012 16:29:44 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: admin http://www.non12step.com/articles/treatment-for-families/70-helping-parents/comment-page-1#comment-71761 admin Thu, 02 Feb 2012 16:29:44 +0000 http://74.53.77.28/~non12ste/?p=214#comment-71761 First, you should rightly be concerned for your grandson. He is only a baby and needs protection for his meth addict mother. You could and should have him removed from her until she cleans up. Call child protective services - they will remove him from your daughter. The baby may be your only leverage. She child is removed until she cleans up and won't be returned until she proves to her case worker and courts that she is sober. You owe that to the baby. Once the baby is safe then you can simply say to her "once you prove to your social worker that you can be a good mother, you will get your baby back. I have no say in this, you can do as you wish, but you only get the child back if you are not using. It is your choice." and let it go. First, you should rightly be concerned for your grandson. He is only a baby and needs protection for his meth addict mother. You could and should have him removed from her until she cleans up. Call child protective services – they will remove him from your daughter. The baby may be your only leverage. She child is removed until she cleans up and won’t be returned until she proves to her case worker and courts that she is sober. You owe that to the baby. Once the baby is safe then you can simply say to her “once you prove to your social worker that you can be a good mother, you will get your baby back. I have no say in this, you can do as you wish, but you only get the child back if you are not using. It is your choice.” and let it go.

]]> By: Cyndy http://www.non12step.com/articles/treatment-for-families/70-helping-parents/comment-page-1#comment-71716 Cyndy Thu, 02 Feb 2012 00:21:29 +0000 http://74.53.77.28/~non12ste/?p=214#comment-71716 I know what you're saying is correct. I dont think I have any leverage right now. My 25 yr old daughter lives on her own and has an 8 mo infant and is a meth addict. She recently lost her job and collects unemployment which covers her rent and she receives WIC for formula and baby food. I kept making excuses for her. The infants father was due to be encarcerated, he's also a meth addict. I believed she would straighten up, for her son, once baby daddy was out of the way. But its been 3 weeks and not only has nothing changed, it's gotten worse. Maybe she feels free of him, I dont know. Shes using more than ever although denying. Im so frightened for my grandson. She'll be out and about with him well after midnight. Ok so I dont support her financially. But I have made excuses and that makes me an enabler. What can I do. I have no leverage. What rules should I put into place. She has asked me to babysit and I always say yes because I worry about the babys safety. How do I disengage. I know what you’re saying is correct. I dont think I have any leverage right now. My 25 yr old daughter lives on her own and has an 8 mo infant and is a meth addict. She recently lost her job and collects unemployment which covers her rent and she receives WIC for formula and baby food. I kept making excuses for her. The infants father was due to be encarcerated, he’s also a meth addict. I believed she would straighten up, for her son, once baby daddy was out of the way. But its been 3 weeks and not only has nothing changed, it’s gotten worse. Maybe she feels free of him, I dont know. Shes using more than ever although denying. Im so frightened for my grandson. She’ll be out and about with him well after midnight. Ok so I dont support her financially. But I have made excuses and that makes me an enabler. What can I do. I have no leverage. What rules should I put into place. She has asked me to babysit and I always say yes because I worry about the babys safety. How do I disengage.

]]> By: admin http://www.non12step.com/articles/treatment-for-families/70-helping-parents/comment-page-1#comment-70080 admin Mon, 16 Jan 2012 15:54:16 +0000 http://74.53.77.28/~non12ste/?p=214#comment-70080 It is very hard to have treatment be effective when somebody doesn't want it. It isn't like forcing them to have a vaccine or something. They need to want to make changes in their lives and that is the hard part for families. About the only thing you can do to nudge him along is make it uncomfortable for him to remain doing what he is doing. Is he living with you? Are you giving him money or supporting him? If you are, then tell him to get out and find his own lodgings and a job. He isn't welcome back until he cleans up or wants to get help. By not having any consequences for his current dryg use, you enable him. This is a hard one for parents because we are always afraid they will end up on the street if we tell them to get out. Now, if he already is out on his own and working and supporting himself, then you have no leverage that way. But you can tell him you love him and offer to help him find help when he is ready. There isn't a whole lot else you can do. It is a terribly difficult place to be. I am sorry. It is very hard to have treatment be effective when somebody doesn’t want it. It isn’t like forcing them to have a vaccine or something. They need to want to make changes in their lives and that is the hard part for families. About the only thing you can do to nudge him along is make it uncomfortable for him to remain doing what he is doing. Is he living with you? Are you giving him money or supporting him? If you are, then tell him to get out and find his own lodgings and a job. He isn’t welcome back until he cleans up or wants to get help. By not having any consequences for his current dryg use, you enable him. This is a hard one for parents because we are always afraid they will end up on the street if we tell them to get out. Now, if he already is out on his own and working and supporting himself, then you have no leverage that way. But you can tell him you love him and offer to help him find help when he is ready. There isn’t a whole lot else you can do. It is a terribly difficult place to be. I am sorry.

]]> By: Mari http://www.non12step.com/articles/treatment-for-families/70-helping-parents/comment-page-1#comment-69856 Mari Fri, 13 Jan 2012 16:25:13 +0000 http://74.53.77.28/~non12ste/?p=214#comment-69856 I have a 22 yrs son that is using drugs, I want to help him and he does not let me he gets mad and nasty with me, I don't know what to do please help me. I have a 22 yrs son that is using drugs, I want to help him and he does not let me he gets mad and nasty with me, I don’t know what to do please help me.

]]> By: Anna http://www.non12step.com/articles/treatment-for-families/70-helping-parents/comment-page-1#comment-341 Anna Mon, 05 Jul 2010 23:58:36 +0000 http://74.53.77.28/~non12ste/?p=214#comment-341 I have read this message again and again, here and in other forums and even from my ex-husband's family. My ex-husband is a sex addict. He has not been diagnosed, but he led a completely secret double life. There is physical and financial support as well as behavioral support for it. He was addicted to cocaine in his 20's and was a member of AA for years until he started secretly drinking and hiding it from his sponsor. He is Ivy League educated and a CEO. His parents are pillars in his hometown and very proud that their children all had frist class educations. And, they are proud of his achievements professionally. I have begged them for an intervention for him. Faced with the evidence (which is on top of him destroying the marriage and abandoning his children), at first his mother believed it. His father basically chalked it up to boys being boys. He told his parents when they confronted him that he had to take care of his physical needs because I am so repulsive. I am generally considered attractive and fit and begged him for sexual relations while married. It seems that his parents have turned a deaf ear on it all and thrown up their arms around messages like the one above and said that he is a an adult and makes his own choices. I've had such a hard time accepting that there is nothing that anyone can do. I know that he has to make the choice to change, but that doesn't mean you ignore the problem. It is as though that action is condoning his behaviors and the results and fall-out from it. I know this is not easy to face, but declaring that there is nothing to do in my mind is not true. They should validate that there are problems with his bahavior and those who claim they love him should at least have the responsibility to tell him that they don't approve of his actions and behaviors. If people who love that person don't, then they are living in denial as much as he is. There is power in parental disapproval even for grown-ups. The least everyone could do is not be so darn proud of his accomplishments professionally and brag about him. It is as if they are holding up a fake for the sake of their own reputation as well. I am sorry, but I think there is middle ground between what you are saying and dragging someone to rehab. Families do have more responsibility for their family members than a stranger. If they didn't, then what is the point of family? Is it just for the good times and bragging rights, but no responsibility and accountability? I have read this message again and again, here and in other forums and even from my ex-husband’s family. My ex-husband is a sex addict. He has not been diagnosed, but he led a completely secret double life. There is physical and financial support as well as behavioral support for it. He was addicted to cocaine in his 20′s and was a member of AA for years until he started secretly drinking and hiding it from his sponsor. He is Ivy League educated and a CEO. His parents are pillars in his hometown and very proud that their children all had frist class educations. And, they are proud of his achievements professionally. I have begged them for an intervention for him. Faced with the evidence (which is on top of him destroying the marriage and abandoning his children), at first his mother believed it. His father basically chalked it up to boys being boys. He told his parents when they confronted him that he had to take care of his physical needs because I am so repulsive. I am generally considered attractive and fit and begged him for sexual relations while married.

It seems that his parents have turned a deaf ear on it all and thrown up their arms around messages like the one above and said that he is a an adult and makes his own choices.
I’ve had such a hard time accepting that there is nothing that anyone can do. I know that he has to make the choice to change, but that doesn’t mean you ignore the problem. It is as though that action is condoning his behaviors and the results and fall-out from it. I know this is not easy to face, but declaring that there is nothing to do in my mind is not true. They should validate that there are problems with his bahavior and those who claim they love him should at least have the responsibility to tell him that they don’t approve of his actions and behaviors. If people who love that person don’t, then they are living in denial as much as he is. There is power in parental disapproval even for grown-ups. The least everyone could do is not be so darn proud of his accomplishments professionally and brag about him. It is as if they are holding up a fake for the sake of their own reputation as well.

I am sorry, but I think there is middle ground between what you are saying and dragging someone to rehab. Families do have more responsibility for their family members than a stranger. If they didn’t, then what is the point of family? Is it just for the good times and bragging rights, but no responsibility and accountability?

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