Adult Children Who Drag Their Parents Down With Them
Nothing is sadder than the “over-age families” we see. These “children” are in their 30s, 40s, 50’s and sometimes 60s; their parents in their 60s, 70s, 80s, and beyond. “Children” who won’t stop drinking or using, and their parents who can’t stop forking over the money that makes the alcohol and drug possible. Dependent adult children dragging parents down with them.
Of course you can easily to see the problem from the outside. Why would an “adult child” stop drinking when they can squeeze thousands of dollars a month out of old mom and dad and keep right on doing what they’ve done their whole lives? And how can mom and dad say no when their “child” will be homeless, their grandchildren hungry? Besides, it’s a disease, isn’t it? How can they deny their sick child?
You probably already know that that’s how the monthly cycle continues for years and years, and how it’s apt to go on until someone dies or the money runs out. The children will continue to manipulate parents, and parents will continue to feel guilty and wonder what they did to cause their child’s decision to go down the alcoholic/addict road.
Alcohol and drug abuse is a choice, not a disease
Of course you’ve always suspected, correctly, that the child’s choice was the child’s choice and had little or nothing to do with his or her parents. Even when childhood trauma played a role, it doesn’t excuse ongoing childishness. Searching for the current problems’ beginnings, even finding them, does nothing to fix the mess. As you’ve probably noticed, everyone just stays trapped in the swirl of emotions, habit, myth, and despair.
What about an intervention?
But suppose the cycle could be broken? In the past that’s usually meant orchestrating an “intervention” where the family confronts the drunk or addict, sets some limits, and then whisks them off to residential treatment for 30, 60, or 90 days. Assuming the problem is now taken care of, everyone relaxes and life supposedly gets better for everyone.
As you probably know, it hardly ever turns out that way. Confronted drunks frequently become angry drunks; residential treatment fails about 95% of the time; family resolutions collapse; and the abuser returns even more solidly excused than ever by “powerlessness” and “disease” myths. Tensions mount and bank accounts have taken a $30,000 – $200,000 hit.
There is an alternative
A brother and sister, Terry and Jack, came to see us because their younger brother Mike was draining their parents’ life savings to support his habit. There’d been an intervention and “treatment” but the manipulation and abuse continued. “It isn’t going to stop,” Karen said, “until they’re all dead or broke.”
You’ve probably seen this problem before, but this time we had a suggestion. Instead of threats and ultimatums, we recommended a carefully planned disengagement. No threats, no expectation that Mike would change, just a gradual change in the family dynamics that would, over the course of a year, result in Mike being on his own.
How, exactly, does that work?
We’re sure it’s obvious to you that Mike isn’t the only one with a problem here. His relationship with his parents and brother and sister also played a role. As long as that stayed the same, nothing would change. But entrenched relationships don’t usually change without some outside help. The old habits and behaviors are too strongly established.
The difference here is that we interrupted the old patterns by inserting ourselves between Mike and his parents. A meeting was held – Mike attended because that’s where he’d get his next check – and it was explained that no one was going to bother him anymore about his drinking and drugging. However, the amount of his “support” would be reduced by 8% a month over the next year until it is down to $0.
You’ve probably figured out that this plan probably wasn’t going to work by itself. Mike, having heard empty threats for years about being cut off, was confident that his parents would cave in, as they always had before. The difference here was that the money was routed through us, insulating the parents, and they were the ones receiving the counseling and support. Mike was also free to receive help, but it wasn’t required. What he decided to do was up to him – as it should be for any adult.
You Can Only Treat The Willing
The real truth is that people only change when they want to – not when others want them to. Working with the family to change the situation is effective because the family wants to change the situation. Any other strategy is just a waste of time, money, and effort.
You’re wondering, “But what about Mike?”
The usually overlooked part in all of this is the fact that if the family changes its relationship to Mike, Mike will have to change, too. As financial support dwindles, he will have to make some changes.
As you can imagine, Mike was angry about this sudden diversion in the cash flow. In this particular case, his anger actually motivated him to start managing himself and his life again for the first time in a decade.
Yes, there were glitches and lapses and mom did occasionally slip Mike some extra money, but the overall plan came off as intended.
Why did this work?
This “intervention” worked because it focused on the total picture and all of the people and dynamics involved. We did not single out Mike as “the problem” and we didn’t let labels and myths keep him from being held responsible for either fixing his problems or living with the consequences himself. More importantly, we worked with the family members who wanted the situation to change, ignoring Mike, who obviously had a vested interest in things staying the same.
As you can see, it worked because we focused on the people who wanted to change rather than trying to force change onto someone else. Whether dealing with a family, a couple, or anyone else, success always means working with whomever is motivated; skipping labels and self-justifying excuses; focusing on the present and future, not the past; and actively instituting new behaviors.
All of this sounds familiar, doesn’t it?
Then why not call today and let us provide real help for your family? 888-541-6350
I have read this message again and again, here and in other forums and even from my ex-husband’s family. My ex-husband is a sex addict. He has not been diagnosed, but he led a completely secret double life. There is physical and financial support as well as behavioral support for it. He was addicted to cocaine in his 20′s and was a member of AA for years until he started secretly drinking and hiding it from his sponsor. He is Ivy League educated and a CEO. His parents are pillars in his hometown and very proud that their children all had frist class educations. And, they are proud of his achievements professionally. I have begged them for an intervention for him. Faced with the evidence (which is on top of him destroying the marriage and abandoning his children), at first his mother believed it. His father basically chalked it up to boys being boys. He told his parents when they confronted him that he had to take care of his physical needs because I am so repulsive. I am generally considered attractive and fit and begged him for sexual relations while married.
It seems that his parents have turned a deaf ear on it all and thrown up their arms around messages like the one above and said that he is a an adult and makes his own choices.
I’ve had such a hard time accepting that there is nothing that anyone can do. I know that he has to make the choice to change, but that doesn’t mean you ignore the problem. It is as though that action is condoning his behaviors and the results and fall-out from it. I know this is not easy to face, but declaring that there is nothing to do in my mind is not true. They should validate that there are problems with his bahavior and those who claim they love him should at least have the responsibility to tell him that they don’t approve of his actions and behaviors. If people who love that person don’t, then they are living in denial as much as he is. There is power in parental disapproval even for grown-ups. The least everyone could do is not be so darn proud of his accomplishments professionally and brag about him. It is as if they are holding up a fake for the sake of their own reputation as well.
I am sorry, but I think there is middle ground between what you are saying and dragging someone to rehab. Families do have more responsibility for their family members than a stranger. If they didn’t, then what is the point of family? Is it just for the good times and bragging rights, but no responsibility and accountability?
I have a 22 yrs son that is using drugs, I want to help him and he does not let me he gets mad and nasty with me, I don’t know what to do please help me.
It is very hard to have treatment be effective when somebody doesn’t want it. It isn’t like forcing them to have a vaccine or something. They need to want to make changes in their lives and that is the hard part for families. About the only thing you can do to nudge him along is make it uncomfortable for him to remain doing what he is doing. Is he living with you? Are you giving him money or supporting him? If you are, then tell him to get out and find his own lodgings and a job. He isn’t welcome back until he cleans up or wants to get help. By not having any consequences for his current dryg use, you enable him. This is a hard one for parents because we are always afraid they will end up on the street if we tell them to get out. Now, if he already is out on his own and working and supporting himself, then you have no leverage that way. But you can tell him you love him and offer to help him find help when he is ready. There isn’t a whole lot else you can do. It is a terribly difficult place to be. I am sorry.
I know what you’re saying is correct. I dont think I have any leverage right now. My 25 yr old daughter lives on her own and has an 8 mo infant and is a meth addict. She recently lost her job and collects unemployment which covers her rent and she receives WIC for formula and baby food. I kept making excuses for her. The infants father was due to be encarcerated, he’s also a meth addict. I believed she would straighten up, for her son, once baby daddy was out of the way. But its been 3 weeks and not only has nothing changed, it’s gotten worse. Maybe she feels free of him, I dont know. Shes using more than ever although denying. Im so frightened for my grandson. She’ll be out and about with him well after midnight. Ok so I dont support her financially. But I have made excuses and that makes me an enabler. What can I do. I have no leverage. What rules should I put into place. She has asked me to babysit and I always say yes because I worry about the babys safety. How do I disengage.
First, you should rightly be concerned for your grandson. He is only a baby and needs protection for his meth addict mother. You could and should have him removed from her until she cleans up. Call child protective services – they will remove him from your daughter. The baby may be your only leverage. She child is removed until she cleans up and won’t be returned until she proves to her case worker and courts that she is sober. You owe that to the baby. Once the baby is safe then you can simply say to her “once you prove to your social worker that you can be a good mother, you will get your baby back. I have no say in this, you can do as you wish, but you only get the child back if you are not using. It is your choice.” and let it go.
I live with my mother and adult brother. He is an alcoholic.
I know there will be no change in the situation. My parents
have spent over a 100,000 helping support him (legal issues,
wrecked cars, paying for apartments,paying for his cigs and booze)
They always protect him from his consequences. They
never will stop, or have any interventions. They agree with his
mindset and blame & attack others along with him.
What rent & money I give my mom goes to help defray
his living costs, she has to spend money on.
How do I cope with his angry & abusive treatment of me?
I was recently married and me and my new husband have 3 children each, my oldest son has a problem smoking marajana. I had handles this by asking him to move out and live on his own…he struggled to survive paying rent and other bills…but he has made it and has now stopped smoking. My husband has a son who was just released from jail and being out only 3 days has started to go back to his old ways of duing drugs and fighting. My husband supports him financialy and he live with us, my husband has asked me to talk to him, the only way I was able to help my own son was by asking him to move out and live on his own. I’m not sure how my husband would feel if I did the same to his son?
Christine:
The only way you will ever find out how your husband feels about asking his son to move out, is the share with him what worked with your son and suggest he do the same with his.
If at all possible, I would move out, Ann. Your Mother will never change her ways. Since you have to give her rent, you can’t stop that payment but you don’t have to give her anything extra, since it goes to your brother. You also won’t change your brother, so get used to his angry ways. Truly, the only thing that will stop him is you moving out on your own. The your Mom won’t have the rent money to give him either. It would be the best thing that could happen.