The “Bucket of Crabs” is one of our favorite analogies. Pulling crabs out of traps on Kodiak Island, we’d just toss them into a big bucket – no need to put a lid on the bucket.
Why not?
Because as soon as one crab would start to climb out, the other crabs would drag him, or her, right back down into the bottom of the bucket. There’s no escape to life back in the ocean.
And that keeps happening until all of the crabs end up in the steamer.
The point?
Pick your support group with care. Most so-called alcohol support groups are, in fact, merely a bucket of crabs that will keep dragging you back down to their level. Try and escape and you’ll be warned that it’s too dangerous to get a life, or to mingle with “normies,” or grow up. It’s too dangerous to stop building your life around alcohol.
So you stay in the alcohol bucket, drinking or not, or complaining about your spouse, or parents, or children, or……
And what’s the point of all of this?
Obviously the point is to avoid actually making any real change. That’s what groups like AA and Alanon and Alateen do best, they help you maintain the “security of familiar miseries” – as we termed it 25 years ago – instead of fixing your life.
But why would you want to trade the illusory security of the crab bucket for an actual life out in the real world?
Remember, despite all of the con men and hucksters, alcohol abuse is a choice and you are free – not powerless – to make a different choice at any time. If you’re the spouse, parent, or child of an alcohol abuser, you are also free to make choices, including the choice to get a life of your own. Not a life focused around another’s alcohol abuse.
You can always choose to be recovered, not in crippling, life-denying, “recovery.” You can choose to be an ex-drinker just as many of us are ex-smokers. You can also choose to be someone who used to waste you life on a drinker but got a grip, got over him or her, and got a life of your own.
Please, alcohol abuse is a choice, not a disease, and you can escape the AA/Alanon Bucket of Crabs. Don’t let the doomed continue to drag you back to share their misery and their fate.
[...] a bit more info on this contentious topic? Read our Bucket of Crabs analogy on why AA and Alanon are bad for your [...]
[...] who are leading the sorts of lives you wish to emulate – stay away for the nay-saying “Bucket of Crabs ” losers whose only real interest is in keeping you as miserable as they [...]
Interesting analogy. Like yourselves we believe that people do not need to be powerless or view themselves as such. In fact there are many, quite powerful, things that partners and family can do that will exert an influence on the drinker.
[...] those who’ve decided to continue with an alcohol focused life – our proverbial “Bucket of Crabs” – to help you leave that behind. That’s never going to [...]
[...] “Bucket of Crabs “ or why AA and Alanon are bad for your health; [...]
i totally agree with all of this information…i have been in and out of 12 step programs…two years with families anonymous…i have decided to stop going…it has turned out to be a social club and a poor me club and a doomsday news club……there is no alternative where i live……i was a drug counselor and i am interested in starting a new program in my area to help people……
wow, then why is it the oldest and most successful program ever? this is for profit…who are you kidding. who benefits hers? you , or the addict. reality is, if you stick to the 12 steps, and do them, and obviously you live them for the rest of your life, you can live a much peaceful life, and guess what, its free.
there are good meetings and bad meetings, you shop til you find a home. ultimately, its your choice to work the steps, and that is the miracle, when you work the steps, the drinking and the obsessive behavior stop.
I don’t know if I am free to respond to PUHLEASE’s response, but I have to say something even if it is only to myself. The reason AA and Alanon has been around so long is because they guarantee membership by stimulating the desires they are trying to get rid of. I was heavily involved with Alanon and AA for many years. I listened to the members INSURE they would be back by glamorizing their stories of drinking over and over again. Much laughter ensued as they each “topped” the other’s story. When the real world objected to their dangerous behavior,they felt bad about their behavior but they knew that if they returned to a meeting, they could get a “laugh” and feel better. “It works when you work it, keep coming back” was at the end of every meeting and you bet, they all came back for a laugh. PUHLEASE, as an Alanoner or AAer you have one and only one identity, you are a member of AA or Alanon. There is nothing more to you, no other aspect to your life. Look it up in their books, it’s all right there. This is a cult that has gone mainstream.
I want to apply all of your dynamics but I am without a job..
I cannot afford California..I live in a poverty state–Florida.
I do not accep the “AA” philosophy”. I would not be caught dead with many of them.
I respect and admire the 12 steps but I cannot and will not believe I am like them.
No “DUI’S, arrests,loss of jobs.
I have lost my self esteem and I am not in control of what I always believed in.
What do u advise for a woman who raised 3 kids,worked her entire life and now finds no assistance??
BTW–I am on bio-identical hormones. Eat well etc..
Judy
Judy:
You can try to do this without going to a program. Get a good book on CBT, such as Three Minute Therapy ( for your self-esteem issues)
[...] The Bucket of Crabs or Why AA and Al-Anon are Bad For Your Health. [...]
Responding to PUHLEASE
“…if you stick to the 12 steps, and do them, and obviously you live them for the rest of your life, you can live a much peaceful life,”
Anyone can come up with a mantra and tell you that if you stick by it you will be much happier. Here’s one, “Just don’t drink and stick to this logic and you will be much happier.” See how easy it is? The problem is that there truly is a “bucket of crabs” mentality in AA. I used to be a participant, and then one evening during a “veterans” meeting, I started to hear these stories of people who had been ‘coming back’ for 5, 10, 15 years. The meetings had become their social structure and had become more or less a dating club because they had pretty much damaged any normal relationships they had. They all took turns relapsing. That’s when I realized if I was going to help myself, I couldn’t do it within AA. They were literally holding each other back from ever fully recovering by turning AA into a type of social club. I’m happy for whomever is helped by it, but it was not for me.
[...] the The Bucket of Crabs [...]
Hello, I am currently stuck in a household with 2 alanone’s. Believe me they try to make my life a living hell because I drink. They are all in on it, two sisters, they try so hard to break me everyday. I have developed a tough skin and that’s all they have contributed to my life. If anyone’s interested in talking about a similar situation feel free to contact me rmad_303@yahoo.com
I like this bucket of crabs analogy, there is a lot of truth in it. Sadly many groups do foster wallowing in fear, guilt and complacency over the realities that genuine change and a truly full-life require.
Interesting site. Went to A.A., worked the steps and studied the literature. If one would look to the history of A.A. you can see for yourself the indoctrination process. Even the founders fell for the propaganda. Considering that they were all end-stage alcoholics and drug addicts it is easy to see why they “swallowed the cool-aid”. My big complaint is the lack of or resistance to, having studies done which show the “real” outcomes of A.A. My guess from examining the peripheral studies is this is a destructive fellowship which causes harm to a majority of the population it is purported to assist.
While it is tre that AA has helped some people find and maintain sobriety, whatever that is, it is also true that it has harmed far more. And with a less than 3% success rate it’s hardly the miracle it’s adherents claim. Good to remember that most of those whose “stories” are told in the Big Book died drunk…..
My husband was court ordered for 5 months to go to AA meetings. He had stopped drinking on his own for almost 25 years,he is 70 years old.
He was laid off from his job of almost 30 years,and was depressed. He had apparently stopped off for a couple of beers,a car ran a stop sign and hit him(minor accident thank god).Both drivers were given Breathalyzers,his was over the limit;he was arrested the car was towed,we have at least $5000 in fines,dui school, madd meetings,etc to pay and it has been a nightmare We live on SS.
When my husband was in court and stated that this was the first time in 25 years he had slipped the judge said no, this is the first time you got caught.This is not true.But there is no way to prove this. I know he hasn’t drank; after being married for 47 years I sure would have been the first to know,but he did do a foolish thing even stopping off like that,and now he has to pay for that foolishness.
He was ordered to go to 3 meetings a week at AA. As I have to drive him around for now I stay at the meetings.As there is no place for me to go at that time in the morning. A lady invited me to an Al anon meeting down the road and I went. They are extremely depressing and no one wants to talk about successes only the night mares of living with a drunk.
My husband was never violent nor did he miss work and I found that it is not good to talk about the positive things at these meetings,no one seems interested in hearing good things or how to make their lives better, only trying to top each other’s sad stories.I went to 3 of these Al Anon meetings but it was depressing nothing positive ever seemed to happen to these people,I mentioned once that he got a part time job welding and that it has helped ;it was met with complete silence and then someone started talking about how her husband lost dozens of jobs another said they are on unemployment and acted annoyed at me for even bringing this up.So I decided I rather sit in at the open AA meetings instead.
AA is exactly how you describe it to be.And my husband was told that he must admit he had a disease and that he has to make amends and recognize how the disease has made him sick. Its all so very depressing and a bit scary as well. He has to attend till May then it will be at least another 3 months before we can pay everything off. They have added $30 drug tests as well,although he does not do drugs so am not sure why he has to be tested. He asked and they said they do that to every one. More money coming out.